


How to Heal

by RosebudBasilton



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Personal Growth, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Trauma, all kevin's stuff :(, i make up a lot of stuff, it's just who i am, not a riko friendly zone, not entirely canon compliant either
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:08:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 20,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22557661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosebudBasilton/pseuds/RosebudBasilton
Summary: Kevin Day was a time-bomb no one really expected to blow. No one, apart from Betsy Dobson.[Kevin Day's therapy sessions from the beginning.]
Relationships: Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Betsy Dobson, Kevin Day & David Wymack
Comments: 87
Kudos: 164





	1. SESSION 1.

**Author's Note:**

> what do you mean i have 'other works in progress'

Kevin Day didn't want to talk.

There were few notes on him left by the previous mental health consultants, all of which pointed towards bigger issues that were being hidden under locks and keys. Mentions of PTSD, panic attacks at the Tower, newfound alcoholism, and one or two instances of self-harm. No content, though. Nothing from Kevin himself. Bee, apparently, wasn't special for not getting through to Kevin.

Still, she sat across from him, quietly enjoying the pleasant warmth in the room, courtesy of the South Carolina sun. There were kids playing outside on their scooters, making up games and yelling at each other across the carpark, shameless to their noise. It was nice. Bee wondered whether Kevin had memories like that still.

"How do you feel in this room?" Bee asked Kevin. He appeared to wake up, mostly to scowl. Bee didn't mind that. She couldn’t. It was her job to see more than a scowl or a frown. Right then, she saw a 20 year old boy who hadn't slept much the night before, bothered that his mid-therapy nap had been interrupted by, well,  _ therapy _ . "I think it needs some decorating. I might bring in some things from home, though they're a bit delicate."

No response.

"How does a man decorate a room?" Bee asked. "Well, I suppose they're all different, actually. You, though? Exy posters? Trophies?"

Though he didn't respond, Kevin's eyes changed. His mind drifted, it seemed, to something unmentionable. The scowl he'd adopted softened in a fearful, unclear way. 

Maybe the quiet could do some good. Maybe Kevin liked the stillness, given how hectic the rest of an athlete’s life is. Bee dunked her teabag in her mug and watched the tendrils of brown tea swirl out like smoke into the milky all else. She had to assume she was helping, because Kevin wasn’t giving away his feelings at all.

"I don't have anything," Kevin said quietly. Bee hadn’t expected him to sound so timid.

She looked up at the admission and tried to pace herself, so as not to jump on him straight away. It was exciting, though, to get through to a client who didn't want to talk. "Oh. Why's that?"

Kevin shrugged. "Doesn't feel right."

And  _ that _ was interesting. He could have said  _ 'I don't want to' _ , or  _ 'I don't know' _ , but he didn't. His answer was so definite, almost like he was baiting a conversation. Whether it was bait for Bee or himself, though, was still unclear. 

Bee eyed him cautiously. Dunked her tea. "How do you mean?"

He hadn't looked at her for the entire session. He still wasn't looking at her. Bee noted that down. "Why would I? I know what I like. I don't need a reminder."

Bee smiled. It was one way to think of it. She wrote down  _ Pragmatic _ . "What if you woke up one day and forgot? Or you had a dream that you were an amazing baker, and when you woke up you thought you still were? Maybe an Exy trophy would be a good idea, then."

Kevin stared at her as though she had three eyes. "That won't happen."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's not possible."

So. He wasn't into hypotheticals. Bee mentally scratched off her  _ Zombie Apocalypse _ strategy.

"How about this..." She went on. "You have roommates, don't you?"

He hesitated. It was a shocking thing to see. Someone so bulky and brawny, strong and harsh, looking so vulnerable and empty for only a moment.

"Yes," he answered.

"And, do they have any décor?"

"Yes."

"Like, what?"

Kevin rolled his shoulders back. "Well, Andrew just has memes that he printed out and stuck on the wall. Some of them are... Unsavoury. Aaron has a diagram of the cardiovascular system. Nicky..."

He paused.

"He has a rainbow flag. Pride flag, I guess. And a picture of his boyfriend."

Bee nodded. "What do these things tell you about your teammates?"

"That Andrew is an asshole, Aaron is a med student, and Nicky is gay."

"Maybe. It also tells you that Aaron is passionate about his degree and works hard for it. It tells you about Andrew's sense of humour and what he likes to look at. It tells you that Nicky is proud of who he is and misses his boyfriend."

Kevin considered this. He nodded.

"What could you tell your roommates about yourself?"

But already Kevin was shaking his head.

"Nothing," he insisted. Then, he thought about it. "Nothing they want to know."

And Bee was beginning to realise that Kevin wasn't a man of direct communication. He left breadcrumbs to be picked up, finding loopholes in his own mind to work around, what Bee could assume, was a tangle of trauma. She had heard about Kevin through other people - as a coward, a bully, an alcoholic. Bee saw more than that. She wrote  _ Brave  _ on her paper, and gave Kevin a warm smile.

"I think you're a person worth knowing, Kevin," she said.

  
  



	2. SESSION 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sessions are inconsistent btw i love you alllllll

There hadn't been much development with Kevin. Some of the other Foxes were progressing, most of them staying stubbornly still, but Kevin was different. He was working hard to push himself to a better place, held back by something so he clearly hated. There was a frown etched permanently onto his face, but it was one that Bee had learnt to read. Confusion, or frustration, or debate, but never anger. Not at Bee.

They were sitting in silence again. This was when Kevin looked his most at ease, so Bee allowed a period of time for him to simply be. It was a moment of stillness for his mind, it seemed. Today, though, she had questions.

"May I ask you something, Kevin?"

He looked up, that vulnerability and fear hollowing him out again for just a second. "Yes."

Bee kept herself warm. Composed. "In your first session, if I remember correctly, you had quite the reaction to Nicky's sexuality. May I ask why?"

He shrugged at first, obviously tense, but his frown resurfaced soon after. He was challenging something in his mind. Bee wished he would have those inner-debates out loud.

"I... I'm not against it," he struggled to say. "It's good that he's happy."

"Indeed."

Kevin licked his lips and tried again. 

"I don't know how to be proud like that."

Oh. That was a twist.

Bee leaned forward and retrieved a teacup to fill with chamomile tea, thinking about her next question. She wanted to be tactful, of course, so not to scare Kevin off. She also wanted to understand, though, so as to work out more of what Kevin's first steps should be towards.

It seemed, though, that this pause was the wrong move. Bee didn't notice the fidget that Kevin had adopted through her thought process, nor the way his hands began to shake. Just as she wanted to answer, Kevin stood up.

"I have to go," he declared.

Bee startled, spilling some tea. "Is everything alri-?"

He was already out the door.

Sinking her head into her hands, Bee sighed. She still made those mistakes, it seemed, despite the years of training. Her brain didn't always work so smoothly.

She wrote down  _ Not homophobic - scared?  _ on her paper. Then, she wrote  _ Troubled _ .

Something else was going on with Kevin, and Bee intended to help him figure it out.


	3. EMAIL CORRESPONDANCE 1

**To:** **kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us**

_ Hello Kevin, _

_ I hope it's alright that I'm following up with you regarding our last session. It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable. I hoped to tell you that you should be proud of yourself, your identity, and your achievements. If you feel up to it, I would be happy to read any thoughts you have and might want to share with me - speaking our feelings can be confronting, but I find writing them down can be a better way to communicate them. You could email me, or bring a journal to our next appointment. _

_ I do hope to see you there. Good luck for Friday's game! _

_ Betsy Dobson. _

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ Hello Betsy. _

_ I'm sorry for running away like that. It's a bad habit I'd like to break. _

_ I had a few boyfriends when I was younger. No one of those relationships ended well. _

_ I have a girlfriend now. _

_ Being gay in Exy is notoriously difficult. I don't understand why people come out when they work in this industry. It's easier to be heterosexual. _

_ Other things have happened since our last meeting. I write them down in a diary. _

_ See you Wednesday - _

_ \- Kevin. _


	4. SESSION 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kia ora i had a bad day so here's some kev healing

This time, Kevin had a book in his hands. It was cheap, Bee knew, because she had bought the same one for some of her other patients. Thin, brown cover, faded lines, not nice to write on - but it did the job. Kevin had it opened to the back page and was mindlessly swirling his pencil over the paper. It was clear that he was tired.

"You know," Bee began, "you can use these sessions to sleep, if you email me ahead of time."

Kevin didn't look up. "No, thank you."

"Not tired?"

He shrugged, still focused on his drawing. "I am, but I'd rather talk. Makes me feel better."

Bee contained her excitement. It was perhaps the first direct comment Kevin had ever made. "I'm glad. I enjoy speaking with you."

There was a tiny twitch at the corner of his mouth, gone as quickly as it appeared. Bee was yet to see Kevin smile.

"I read your email, of course. I understand that these sessions are outside of your comfort zone, but thank you for being so open to trying. You're doing well, Kevin."

He looked up from his page for the first time, blushing high on his cheeks. "I'm doing terribly."

"Not from where I'm sitting."

More blush. It swam up to his neck like a wave to the shore. "Thanks," was all he muttered, continuing to draw his picture.

Bee sipped her tea and relaxed back into her seat. She figured that Kevin was most relaxed when everyone else was as well, so she gazed out the window at the park over the road and grinned. There was a game of hide and seek being argued over, but it all seemed to dissipate after a minute. Bee chuckled. Kids.

10 minutes later, Kevin handed Bee his journal. They hadn't spoken, yet.

"I don't want to read it out loud," he said. "I want you to read it, though."

"Of course." Bee was beaming. "Now?"

"Yes, please."

**_Wednesday_ ** _. _

_ Today I ran out of my counselling session. I thought Bee was mad at me for liking men and not being proud of it. I worried that I had said something offensive. _

_ Andrew made fun of me when he saw I had been crying. I didn't know who to talk to, so I locked myself in the court and practiced until Neil came for our night practices. _

_ I haven't eaten dinner in 3 days. I get dizzy when I stand up sometimes. _

_ Nicky's pride flag makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know why. _

_ I'm bisexual. I didn't have the word for it before. I don't know how to be proud. _

**_Thursday._ **

_ I yelled at someone in practice. I didn't mean to. Usually I do, but this time I had no idea how it happened. Allison did something wrong and I lost control. It was less productive coaching, more desperate pleading. I don't really understand how that can be.  _

_ The team is mad at me now. The Upperclassmen give me dirty looks, and Andrew keeps glaring at me with that god awful smile. I wish I could fix it, but I don't know how.  _

_ Wymack won't talk to me. That hurts more. _

**_Saturday_ ** _. _

_ Hungover. Bad night. Threw up in my bed. _

_ Andrew left me at Eden's. He’s never done that before. I embarrassed myself in front of all the guys there. I drank so much I started crying in the bathroom and ended up walking back to the Columbia house. _

_ Andrew is knocking on my door.  _

_ I can't breathe. _

**_Sunday_ ** _. _

_ I miss going to church with my mom. _

**_Monday_ ** _. _

_ Had a good lecture about traditional religious ideologies in North Mexico today. We spoke about a tribe who believed humans have multiple souls; big ones in our chest and body and little ones in our joints. I really enjoyed the reading. _

_ I didn't want this journal to be full of bad things, so that was a good highlight. _

_ I used to come home from school and tell my mom about what we learnt in class. It was exciting back then. There was a patch of paint scratched off on the wall of our hallway where I used to throw my schoolbag. Mom used to get a little annoyed at it, but not really. Mom was good like that. Now when I get excited about learning something, I try to tell the team, or  _ _ my _ _ Wymack. They don’t want to hear it, though. _

_ I miss having a family. _

**_Tuesday_ ** _. _

_ Tired. I just want to sleep today.  _

“Interesting,” Bee noted. “You write very honestly.”

Kevin made a face. “Wasn’t that the assignment?”

Chuckling, Bee underlined her note that said  _ Pragmatic _ . “It’s just difficult to get people to write without qualms sometimes. You’re very brave, like that.”

Something about that made Kevin uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat, fidgeting with his hands. “I’m not. Not really.”

“Why do you say that?”

Classic therapist question. Kevin rolls his eyes, gaze averted, as if to say  _ You’re the therapist, you work it out.  _ “I run away from my problems. I’m a coward. Everyone knows that.”

“I didn’t know that. I never thought you were a coward.”

Anger came over Kevin’s face, snarling and tight. He didn’t look at Bee and began tapping the couch. “Okay.”

“You’re mad.”

“Because that’s wrong and I’m wasting my time here.”

Bee wrote down  _ Reactive. _ “Tell me about a time when you ran away from your problems. Sell me the idea that you’re a coward.”

Talking to Kevin required direct communication and transparency. If Bee gave Kevin a guarded, convoluted metaphor, he would spend so much time dissecting it and trying to make some sort of literal sense of it, that he would eventually lose interest in the original topic and allow himself to slip into standby mode. Bee usually didn’t mind this, particularly when Kevin looked tired or hungover, but she wanted to start building him a new image of himself.

He stared Bee down, still tapping his finger on the couch’s arm. When he sat forward, something shifted, and Bee immediately knew that whoever was about to speak, wasn’t the same person who had written in the diary.

“You have no idea what you’re walking into,” he warned. “I’m a shitty person. You can’t make that better. I’m a liar and a coward. You don’t know half of the shit I’ve had to deal with in my life and you won’t be able to handle it. If you thought Andrew was a crappy patient to have, you aren’t prepared for me.”

Bee leaned forward too. She couldn’t be physically intimidating, that wasn’t possible. Instead, she held up a mirror. “I don’t know much about you, no. To be honest, I didn’t know who you were before you walked into my office. Never seen an Exy match, never read a news article about you — all I know is that your name is big. I’m not afraid of you though, Kevin. I want to help you.”

That didn’t sit well with him. He snarled again, sitting back in his seat with his arms crossed. Bee wrote  _ Petulant  _ on her paper.

“I don’t find Andrew to be a crappy patient,” Bee said. “He talks about you. I’ve learnt more about you from him than anyone else, including yourself.”

Kevin hated that in a new way. He loosened his arms and looked back at Bee, imploring her to explain. “What does he say?”

“Patient confidentiality. I will say, though, the identity you’ve shown me in our sessions appears to be made up of what other people have told you.”

Kevin deflated. Clearly, he wanted Andrew to think well of him. This wasn’t exactly the case.

“Your writing is different,” Bee continued. “You have some sort of anxiety disorder, that much is clear. You look to your older influences for comfort; your mother and Wymack. You’re very critical of yourself and have a murky sense of right and wrong. I think you should look more to yourself for your identity, instead of other people.”

Kevin was visibly upset. That hadn’t been Bee’s intention. She let him breathe for a few moments, not wanting to push him over the edge if she could help it.

“What if I don’t like who I find?” He asked. It was the first time Bee could see the man who had written in his diary.

Bee handed it back to him and smiled. “Then, we’ll figure it out. Together.”


	5. SESSION 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know double uploads are super annoying fgnskgnskzjagkdlm im sorry

After the shake up of his last session, Kevin appeared eager to start talking to Bee. Even though he was drawing in his book again, avoiding all contact, he had smiled on his way in. Bee was taking that as a good sign.

They had mentioned a few things about how Kevin’s week had been, talked over an Exy-related argument he was in with Aaron, and eventually came to a point where Bee could comfortably refer back to her pages of questions she had for him.

The first:

"How long have you been seeing your girlfriend?" Bee asked lightly.

Kevin paused. He was clearly affected by the relationships he kept, but Bee had hoped this would be a positive topic to begin their session. He sighed, though, putting his pen down.

“We broke up, actually,” he confessed. “A long time before I sent you that email. I...wasn’t good to her.”

Bee nodded. “Oh.”

"It was just hard doing long distance," he admitted. "I never wanted to call and we couldn’t meet up. She was upset, because she felt like I was holding her back. I suppose I was.” He wrung his hands. Something was unresolved there. “Her name was Thea. She was a Raven, too."

At that, he quietened. As soon as the word 'Raven' came to his mind, he shrunk. Bee noticed, of course, so she looked away to give him privacy.

"Is that where you two met?" She asked.

Kevin only nodded.

“Do you still have feelings for her?”

There wasn’t an immediate response. It likely wasn’t an easy question to answer, given Kevin’s distaste towards his own vulnerability. Eventually, though, he nodded. That was interesting.

They didn't speak for a few moments, just to let Kevin cool off from what looked to be risky territory. Bee sipped her tea and wrote _Ravens = trigger_.

"I met my first boyfriend there, too," he went on. Bee looked up to see him defeated, leaning his head into the palm of his hand. "I already told you about them in my email. There's no point avoiding it."

While that made sense, it only complicated Kevin further. "Are you okay to talk about it?"

"I never am," he admitted, his voice small. "Someone ought to know, though."

Bee waited. "Would you like to tell me?"

Then, Kevin waited. "Yes. I... trust you."

 _Yes!_ Bee couldn't help but celebrate, quietly, in her mind. "Thank you, Kevin. That means a lot."

He smiled in response, only slightly and perhaps dispassionately, and stared at his drawing. "I was 13. His name was Carlisle, but I called him Car. I always said that Carl was a stupid name for a 14 year old, but he always rolled his eyes at that." Kevin chuckled, faraway in a memory. He bit his lip. Scratched his thigh. Squeezed his eyes shut, before Bee realised he was stopping himself from crying. "He, uh- he died. He was shot. It..."

Kevin was shaking. He had to breathe deeply to control the tightness in his throat, but Bee could still hear it. Clearly, it didn't feel like 7 years ago to Kevin. It felt like last week.

"It was my fault they killed him," he whispered. "Riko thought he was a distraction, so they killed him. He still smiled at me when he was dying. The carpet was already red, so it looked like there was no blood on the floor, and I remember thinking, 'How many times has this happened before?'... He told me he loved me. That was the last thing he ever said."

Bee was stunned. Confused. Really, she didn't know where to begin. When Kevin had done his performance the previous week about being the nightmare patient of the Foxes, she hadn’t thought about what that would really mean. She thought it was a wall put in place to keep Bee out, but with every anecdote Kevin gave, it looked more like a gate to keep himself in. Now it made sense — Kevin had seen too much in his life. Perhaps he was trying to protect Bee by not letting her near it. Bee was a therapist, though, and it was her job to listen to her patients, no matter what they brought to the session.

"That's terrible. Really, Kevin. That's not something any child should go through."

Kevin looked almost offended. "I said I was 13."

And that became another puzzle piece in Kevin's file. A horrifying, yet fitting piece. "That's still a child, Kevin."

He didn't respond. Bee wrote down _Carlisle: boyfriend. Murdered. Kevin blames himself._

Then she thought about it.

 _Kevin_ _wants_ _to blame himself?_ It would explain the way he viewed his age, trying to claim that he should have known better at the age of 13. It would explain some of the self-destructive behaviours he had exhibited to past counsellors.

Those were answers Bee didn't have yet, though. She scribbled it out.

"I want you to know, Kevin, that it wasn't your fault," she explained. He frowned. "I know what you said, about Riko - your brother, I believe? - but you didn't do something that warranted that kind of consequence. You were a child. You had your first boyfriend. You might have been distracted, but that's exactly what relationships do to us. It's a wonderful thing, really. It wasn't your fault he died. Really, how were you to know?"

There were tears in Kevin’s eyes, spilling over onto his cheeks. He was holding himself together by a needle and thread. It was clearly a tough task.

Still. Bee persisted. She wanted an honest answer.

"If you could speak to your 13 year old self now, what would you tell him?"

Kevin bit his lip again. Harder, this time. He squeezed his eyes shut and went red in the face trying to hold all of his emotions in.

And then, in a sputtering, sobbing outburst, he said, "I'm so sorry."

He heaved and wept, covering his eyes with his fists.

"I'm sorry, I should have known," he continued. "He shouldn't- shouldn't have had to go to Car’s funeral. He didn't have to apologise to him, or Riko, or Tetsuji. He was just a kid, and no one was looking out for him. I should have been looking out for him, I'm sorry."

Bee nodded, her face sore with distraught. He was still blaming himself, in a different sense, and it appeared he was apologising to Bee rather than himself, but Bee wasn’t about to pause his breakdown to correct his semantics. Instead, she stood up and joined Kevin on the other end of the couch, handing him a woollen blanket she had knitted after the first few sessions with the Foxes (orange with white stripes down the side — Andrew said it was repulsive, yet he reached for it every session). Kevin looked so different to the man Bee had first met. In the scarlet surroundings of his bloodshot eyes, his green irises looked golden. His lips were swollen from being bitten and he was paler than before, dotted with red blotches like paint splatters. He was the most imperfect Bee had ever seen him.

He looked so young.

Kevin took the blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders. Bee didn't touch him, but she stayed close.

"I tried to kill myself afterwards," he admitted. "I wanted to make sure I suffered the way he did, but I couldn't."

"That's a good thing that you didn't, Kevin. What made you stop?"

He sniffed, looking directly at Bee.

"It was more of a punishment to stay alive."

Just like that, Kevin closed off again. Bee was beginning to realise how badly Kevin was hurting. He was torn up from the inside out. He had admitted to a suicide attempt and was exhibiting worrying signs of a further spiral to demise. Bee placed her hand on his shoulder.

“Was Riko the one who broke your hand?” She asked.

He had slipped up in his second session, you see. He had meant to tell the story of his switch to the Foxes with the details of a skiing accident causing the break in his career. However, when he’d come to explain his hand, the exact quote was “He broke— I mean _I_ broke my hand. I fell. Skiing. I fell when I was skiing.”

Bee had noted that down for a moment like this.

Kevin nodded, cradling said hand to his chest. “I just wanted to stop being a target for him. I wanted a family.”

That tracked. Kevin was so desperate to be connected to other people, but so hesitant to let them in.

 _Jealousy_. If Bee had Riko in a session, she would tell him that he was jealous of Kevin’s good fortune, that that was why he worked so hard to destroy it. 

“It’s okay, Kevin,” Bee whispered. “You’re in a better place now.”

And once again, that man shifted. Bee didn’t know who she was speaking to, but he had a joyless smirk on his face. “No, Bee. I’m really fucking not.”

  
  



	6. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these next few chapters are v short so this will be a multiple upload (3 i think?) thank you for all the lovely comments! im going to reply soon i am just lazy :(

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ Hello David, _

_ I hope you’re well. I’ve been lucky enough to get to know your Foxes over these past weeks and am happy to say that they’re lovely kids. I look forward to getting to know them more. _

_ It is my job, though, to inform you of any instances where I feel someone’s safety is at risk. As you’re the closest adult to him, and I feel he respects you and seeks comfort from you, I must ask you to please keep an eye on Kevin. He has admitted to suicidal tendencies and a previous suicide attempt, and I fear that he is not in a safe headspace at the moment. If you’d be willing, talk to him about his living arrangements and the friends he’s made on the team: I believe these are causing him stress. _

_ Have a good day, I’ll see you this weekend. _

_ Betsy Dobson. _

_ - _

**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ Hi Betsy. These kids are gremlins. You’re allowed to say that they’re assholes. _

_ I’m not sure I’m the best person to speak to Kevin. We have some unsettled history. _

_ David. _

_ - _

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ I really would appreciate it if you could speak to him, though if this is not possible, at least keep an eye on him. As his coach, I feel it’s important for you to take that role. Also, I think he looks up to you as a mentor. He certainly speaks very fondly of you. _

_ Let me know how this goes. _

_ Betsy Dobson. _

_ - _

**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ I’ll see what I can do. _

_ - _

**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ Kevin is no longer attending practices due to his insistence on being an asshole. I tried to talk to him, but he got upset and walked away. I think this one’s up to you, doc. _

_ David. _

_ - _

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ Don’t give up on Kevin. He’s a wonderful person to know.  _

_ I’ll speak to him tomorrow. _

_ Betsy Dobson. _


	7. SESSION 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small chap (v small)

Kevin was non-verbal when he entered Bee’s office. He slid a note onto her desk and sat down on the couch.

_ Could I please sleep? Sorry I didn’t email ahead of time. _

“Of course, dear,” Bee smiled. “It’s alright. I heard you had a rough week. I’ll make you some tea, just in case you want it, and I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.”

Kevin signed [Thank you] to Bee and immediately lay down with the orange blanket. 

-

When their hour was up, Bee gently woke Kevin and braced for him to jump or lash out like Seth or Andrew. Instead, he opened his eyes and sighed. Bee thought that he might not have slept at all. 

“I wrote you a note to excuse you from classes or practice,” she said, handing him the slip of paper. “Sleep is very important to your mental well-being. I’m prescribing you an early night.”

Kevin didn’t smile. He brushed past Bee, taking the note, murmuring “Thanks,” on his way out.

Bee sighed, leaning on her desk. She had 10 minutes before her next appointment, so she sat down and began a new page of notes.

_ Kevin Day is: _

  * _Scared_


  * Brave


  * Lonely


  * Depressed


  * Complicated


  * Traumatised


  * Seeking family


  * Neglected


  * Creative


  * Pragmatic


  * Smart


  * Severely mentally ill



She stared at this list and tapped her pen. 

_ Kevin Day needs: _

  * _Good people_


  * More sleep


  * Anti-depressants


  * Emergency anxiety medication


  * A better sense of self


  * Therapy


  * To eat more — always looks sick


  * Older mentors to find comfort in. Wymack?



She sighed again. There was only so much she could do. 


	8. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ I hope your week has been good.  _

_ Unfortunately, my session with Kevin had to be rerouted. I was not able to speak to him at all. I understand that you have some hesitance to him, but I truly believe you might be the best person to discuss these issues with him. From what happened this week, as well as your accounts of his behaviour, I think he’s spiralling towards some kind of crisis.  _

_ Please talk to him. _

_ Betsy Dobson. _

_ - _

**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ Betsy. _

_ Kevin is staying with Abby at the moment. He’s been drinking heavily throughout the past week. I think you’re right, I’ll see what I can do. _

_ David. _

_ - _

**To:** **betsy.dobson.74@gmail.com**

_ Betsy. _

_ I spoke to Kevin. Mostly, he seems fine. He doesn’t like the team much, but we all knew that. He says they’re not his people — I don’t know what that means.  _

_ Hope this week’s session goes better. _

_ David. _

_ - _

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ Thank you, although I’m not sure I follow. Drinking heavily and being removed from practices suggests he’s under some sort of mental stress. Perhaps he’s putting up a wall? I’ll talk to him, but please look out for him.  _

_ Hope your week goes well. _

_ Betsy. _

  
  



	9. SESSION 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've written a really good chapter but it's too far ahead for me to post so i gotta get this all out here so you can all Feel and Heal w me.

The sessions after Kevin’s first signs of crisis were fruitless. If Betsy didn’t let him nap, he would fall asleep against his own will. He admitted to walking to their sessions, or at least taking some form of public transport. He said it was better if he didn’t bother other people for rides. Scathingly, he had voiced his intention to learn to drive again, promptly followed by the daunting realisation that no one would want to teach him. 

Bee watched him deteriorate exponentially over those weeks. She continued to ask David to keep a close eye on him, but it seemed Kevin was an adequate actor. David couldn’t seem to see what was wrong. Despite reports of Kevin’s growing dependency on alcohol, his aversion to spending time with anyone but Abby and Wymack, and his tendency to lash out during practices, David insisted that Kevin had no ‘real problems’. Perhaps it was denial.

For the first time in weeks, Kevin showed up to Betsy’s office and gave her a small smile and his notebook.

“It’s good to see you, Kevin,” Bee said. 

Straight away, he handed Bee the notebook. 

“I wrote something,” he said. “I want you to read it.”

So, Bee did. 

_ When I was in the Nest, I had Riko. He was a part of my life that was constant and he always made me feel like I had a place.  _

_ He’s a terrible person. He tortured me in every conceivable way. He still does.  _

_ I went through hell in the Nest. Everybody kind of knows that, given how many scars I have on my body and the way I arrived at Wymack’s door, straight from Evermore, with a broken hand. Riko was awful. He was my brother, though. A lot of times, I let him hurt me.  _

_ On the Foxes, no one wants me here. Not even as a punching bag. Andrew says, all the time, that I’m a burden and a coward. He still gives me his medication, though, for when he needs it. Everyone else  _ _ thinks  _ _ knows I’m a pain in the ass and tells me so. It’s so hard to make friends on this team. It’s easy to get lonely. _

_ But I still have Riko. On the court, I mean. I watch him play and I can see him looking for me. I miss him, even though I shouldn’t. I mostly miss knowing where I belong. _

_ Andrew’s lot doesn’t want me. The Upperclassmen don’t want me. Uncle David doesn’t want me, and that hurts the most. I don’t know what I did to make him mad at me, but I wish I could fix it. _

“Uncle David?” Bee asked, maybe too urgently.

Kevin wrung his hands and tried to articulate his next words carefully. “When I was younger, my mom and Wymack were friends. Really good friends. I mean, well, they were together before I was born. They broke up because of me.”

Bee nodded. “Did your mother—”

“Have an affair, yes, she did. But— Wymack was always there for me. He was my Uncle David. I don’t know what happened after my mom died, but he’s never been thrilled to see me.”

There was something there that didn’t sit completely right with Bee. She leaned forward. “Kevin, maybe Wymack sees your mother’s betrayal when he sees you. He’s never had kids, never been married — it’s not unlikely that he holds some hurt over that ordeal.”

Kevin tensed up. “That’s not my fault, though.”

Bee pushed her mouth to the side. “That’s true. It’s good that you know that. All I’m saying is that you might need to be patient with him. Or, if you’re up for it, talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling about this.”

Kevin deflated. “No, I— you don’t understand.”

“Kevin, I can only understand what you allow me to know.”

He was beginning to drift away. “Yeah.”

They stayed quiet for a long time. Bee wanted to give Kevin the space to decide where he wanted to go in their session, despite how desperately she wanted to steer him in the direction of his relationships on the team and why they weren’t working. He was long gone, though. Dissociated.

“You can sleep if you’d like,” Bee suggested.

Kevin did.


	10. SESSION 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> multiple upload again!! thnak you so much for your comments, it's so lovely to hear what you guys are thinking. i've also been answering some asks on my tumblr if u wanna slide in my dms xo ;) im not v popular and they made me v excited

After weeks of trying to get Kevin to a comfortable place, Bee noticed a shift. They had discussed his crisis plan, his new medication, and how he was coping with the team (which, Bee could tell, was laden with lies about how content Kevin was — she was beginning to notice his patterns). During their fifteenth session, though, Kevin picked up speed and began telling Bee about one of the new players they were planning on recruiting.

“His name is Neil Josten,” Kevin explained, “and— look! Look at this, he’s playing backliner when  _ clearly _ his skills are better placed in a striker position. He’s the fastest person I’ve ever seen on a court and his agility is unbelievable, but God he’s so short. Really, no one that short should be a backliner.”

Bee frowned. “Isn’t Aaron a backliner?”

“Yes, but Aaron is bulkier than this guy.” Kevin wasn’t looking at Bee. He was engrossed in his papers of stats and trivia and notes written in red pen. There were also tiny stars littered in the margins, which Bee smiled at when Kevin wasn’t watching. He had a tendency to be shy about those things. 

Bee picked up her mug of tea. “When will you go see him?”

“Tomorrow,” Kevin answered, no longer interested in therapy, still poring over minute details. “Look! His coach says he trains everyday, ‘a worrying amount’.” Kevin threw his hands up, a brilliant grin on his face. “This is perfect!”

“It’s  _ obsessive _ .”

“Obsession fosters perfection.”

“Perfection is subjective.”

“Mom, I’m certain that this guy is going to turn the Foxes around. I’m positive.”

He didn’t notice his slip up. He was keeping his nose firmly in his papers. Bee, on the other hand, was having a crisis of her own. 

Did she tell him? Was it worth it to break this positivity streak? What if he noticed too late and just thought Bee was ignoring him? 

She dunked her teabag.

“Kevin?”

He all but grunted to respond. 

“You, um. You called me ‘mom’.”

He didn’t seem deterred. He carried on reading. 

Bee was frantically searching for the next step. She was sure there had to be one, an obvious one, even, but it wasn’t making itself known. She bounced her leg nervously.

“Kevin?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he responded. He sounded smaller, somehow, than the man sitting before Bee.

That was when Bee had to amend the way she thought of Kevin. He wasn’t a man. Not really, not to himself. Inside, he was still just a boy.


	11. SESSION 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey just a wee warning: there is a very brief mention of sexual abuse (so so so small), so i thought i'd warn you guys, but also let me know if you think that could have been written better because i really thought about it over a few days and am still a bit weary on it. i just headcanon kevin as, really unfortunately, being somewhat desensitized to a lot of his trauma, enough that he can mention it in a bit of a rant and move forward quite easily (given the circumstances), but going deeper into it is a big no-go. i'm not sure this is entirely accurate of his character, though, nor if it's a great writing choice, so pls let me know if you have any thoughts

Bee had known that Kevin couldn’t ride the high of a new team member forever, but as soon Neil Josten arrived in Palmetto, Kevin was spiralling again. This, Bee thought, was not only unexpected. It was uncharacteristic of Kevin. Usually, when faced with a problem along the lines of Exy, he was willing to jump in head first to fix it. Now, he sat on her couch, his head in his hands, utterly defeated.

“What if—” Kevin began, but the words weren’t making their way out of his mouth. He struggled for a moment, then sighed as he gave up.

Bee stirred her hot chocolate (Kevin had turned his nose up at the offer, but Bee was in desperate need of a mood boost). “What if?”

“No, I can’t say that.”

Hm. This was new. Kevin didn’t usually get too vulnerable, still, if he could help it. Now, it was like he wanted Bee to...what? Pry?

Or maybe — 

“Kevin, I feel that sometimes you approach our sessions the same way you approach an authority figure,” Bee explained softly. She was beginning to grow comfortable with the way he hardened his walls to her, which meant that blunt honesty in a gentle approach was the best way to communicate with him. “I want you to know that I don’t tell anyone about what happens in these sessions unless I believe you’re a threat to yourself or others. I’ve always been honest with you about speaking with Wymack regarding your mental state. My point, though, is that I don’t mind you coming into these sessions and saying things that aren’t polite or kind. That’s what I’m here for.”

Kevin jiggled his leg when his brain was working hard on something. This was no different, except that his hands were in his hair and his eyes were growing frantic. Bee could sense a panic attack. 

“It’s not impolite,” Kevin explained. “It’s just— I know that it’s wrong, but…”

“Kevin.” Bee waited until he was looking at her. “You have my permission, always, to say what you need to say.”

And that was it. That was the floodgate that had been holding Kevin at bay for so long. Seconds passed where he was practically bursting to say something — then, he said  _ everything. _

“I should have stayed with the Moriyamas. I know that they were awful and Riko abused me and he broke my hand and  _ God  _ I don’t think I told you about how many times I was sexually assaulted there — but at least when I was there I had somewhere to be, not like here where nobody wants me around and they’re all tired of me. I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong! No one will tell me! So, I tried to just be an asshole and move on, and I started getting with Andrew just to get it all off my mind, but then I got attached and he didn’t. I thought it was because of his meds, but now  _ Neil fucking Josten _ is here and I know — I just  _ know _ — that Andrew is into him, because of course he is, because it would never have been me because I’m not a person that people like, or want, and—”

Bee resigned herself to not taking notes. She listened and sipped her hot chocolate as Kevin unloaded all of this onto the table, gesticulating wildly and verging on tears the entire time. The horror of what Bee was hearing was sinking in, and soon it made sense why Kevin was high-strung and miserable; he had a lack of  _ belonging _ . It was all boiling down to—

“You wanted to be wanted,” Bee interrupted him. “Even if it’s with a target on your head.”

Bee was still piecing together his story. She was still trying to understand how a child with a good upbringing, surrounded by family who loved him, was suddenly thrown to the wolves and beaten to a shell of a man.

Kevin, after all of that, fell quiet. Genuinely quiet. There was nothing left for him to say.

It was no wonder that he began to cry. It was different this time, though. He curled in on himself and let the tears roll on their own, no sobs or strains to accompany them.

“I just want my parents,” he said. “I want— I want my mom.”

Bee was soft for these kinds of admissions. An all-too-human part of her begged her rational side to sweep Kevin away and try to fill a bottomless pit of parental guidance and love.

But.

But she couldn’t do that.

Instead she sat beside him and held his hand through his process of feeling. For someone like Kevin, the permission to feel was crucial. There was no interruption to discuss strategies or breathing techniques and or thought exercises. That would have shut him down immediately. Instead, she told him how proud she was of him, for talking about everything and letting himself go through the pain of a confession. She told him that this was enough to make anyone upset, or angry, or scared. 

“It’s okay, Kevin,” Bee said, because it was true. This could all be fixed. Bee had to believe that, else she’d already given up on Kevin.

“Bee, I’m too broken for other people,” he wept. “Andrew doesn’t like me enough because I can’t grow a spine. Wymack doesn’t want me too close because I’m a burden. The team knows I’m an asshole. I’m not worth helping.”

Sitting with him and all of the weight on his shoulders, Bee couldn’t give in to how hopeless it all felt. That wasn’t her job. It was all so much, though, and she began to wonder how much she could actually do.

“People aren’t broken, Kevin,” she said. “They aren’t, because people can’t be fixed. It will hurt for now, but that is exactly what you need. You need to hurt, because I don’t believe you’ve let yourself process any of this.”

He sniffed. “It’s so much, though.”

“Yes. Tell me, how do you eat an elephant?”

Kevin stared at Bee, confused and tired. “You don’t. That’s not ethical and there’s far too much there to—”

Bee smiled.  _ Pragmatic.  _ “One bit at a time.”

“Oh.” He grinned. Then, he chuckled. “Oh, okay. Where do we start?” 

Bee squeezed his wrist. “We start with the team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guess what it only gets more painful from here


	12. SESSION 20

Bee had given Kevin an assignment. She had instructed, if he could, he should try to exercise vulnerability with the team. Her theory, which she chose not to share with him, was that if he admitted to being as hurt and scared as all the rest of them, they would understand him with some more sympathy. Or at least, he could begin to understand that the treatment he underwent in the Nest wasn’t something to be dismissed, and he would learn to empathise with his team.

This had not gone to plan. 

Kevin had started small, with Andrew, just to forge a deeper relationship with him. Of course, in light of Kevin’s admissions the week prior regarding his unstable relationship with Andrew, Bee should have seen the consequences coming. 

“Andrew hates me,” Kevin declared. “I told him about Carlisle, I thought I could  _ trust  _ him—”

Bee let Kevin breathe for a moment. 

“Did I do it wrong?” He asked, fearful.

It wasn’t often that Bee was lost for words. Andrew was many things, but heartless wasn’t one of them. Carlisle was the dearest thing Kevin held.

“He told me to drop it,” Kevin wept. “He said that at 13 I wasn’t really in love, or anything. He’s kind of right, I guess, but I just…”

Watching Kevin’s face crumple with another heavy confession was hard. Bee held herself behind her desk and tried to think of a way to support him without cutting him off. If she waited, he would talk himself in circles. There was an even chance of him reaching equilibrium or panic attack, then. 

Still, Bee waited it out. 

“I miss him so much,” Kevin heaved. “Both of them.”

“Andrew too?” Bee checked. 

“ _ Yes _ . I miss having a  _ person _ , or being able to trick myself into thinking I did.”

Every time Bee thought things with Kevin were getting better, there was another layer to him that she couldn’t quite crack. She knew he wanted people in his life. It was startling, how attached to an old childhood relationship he was. It made sense, now, why he was so dependent on Riko. He was a lawmaker who wanted Kevin under his thumb more than anything else. With that, of course Kevin felt fulfilled.

“I’m sorry Andrew didn’t understand, Kevin,” Bee said. It was important to exercise sympathy with him. “Maybe he wasn’t hearing enough of your story?”

“I’m  _ never _ trying that again, Bee,” Kevin insisted. “I’m humiliated and Car doesn’t deserve that.”

Bee wrote down  _ Fiercely protective.  _ Next to that, she wrote  _ Misunderstood. _

“I miss him so much.” Kevin was barely audible through the tightness in his throat. “I just want it again.”

To matter. To feel worthy. There was no point in trying to blame anyone for not caring for Kevin, and rewiring his thoughts to instead focus on positive things was Bee’s first point of call.

But.

The roadblock there was Carlisle. Carlisle, in Kevin’s narrative, had cared  _ so much _ , and Kevin was comparing every experience after that to a puppy-love story, starring a boy who was clearly cherishable.

“Losing people in our lives is the hardest thing to go through,” Bee said. “You’ve lost more than you deserve, Kevin. I wonder, though, how much have you grieved? Have you let yourself feel, and hurt, and accept what’s happened.”

And Kevin blessed Bee with the clarity they both needed. “If I move on from all of this, then he’s gone. If I accept my mom’s death, then she’s gone forever. No one else will know them like I did. I just want them  _ here _ .”

And, well, Bee knew how that felt. She stole a short glance at the picture she kept on her desk, always, of the man she had known better than anyone else. She knew how he ironed his shirts, could predict what he would say when they watched the news together, and she knew exactly how to plan his funeral when the occasion came up, 4 years prior. She knew how to feel like the world was counting on you to remember someone for everyone else.

And Kevin was so much younger than her. And she didn’t have many answers for him. 

“We can figure it out,” she assured him with her broken voice and tears welling. “Together. I promise to help you.”

Kevin looked at her, open and honestly, and nodded. “Please.”


	13. SESSION 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going to do anther multiple upload tonight bc im really proud of these chapters and i want u guys to read them so bad. i luv them.

The sessions following Kevin’s grief assessment were grinding and rough. Kevin was more susceptible to dissociation and had reverted to one word answers. He was still holding many more secrets than Bee might ever see him admit, and that number only seemed to grow with the days that passed him.

Presently, he was half lying on the couch.  _ Deteriorating _ , Bee thought, so she wrote it down. 

The picture on her desk still stared at her, warmer now.  _ What is it, dear? _ She wanted to ask.  _ What do I do? _

She had her own grief to deal with, it seemed. She still wore her wedding ring, on the other hand now, and still touched it when she felt him near. Now, she was playing with it. Twisting it.  _ Come on, where are you? _

Kevin did a similar thing. He massaged his hand and ran his fingertips over the scars, reminiscing, it seemed, on a life before breakage. 

Bee cleared her throat. “Have you had a good week?”

“No.”

Maybe that was an opportunity. Really, Bee felt like she didn’t know anymore. She was stuck in her own haze. It almost made her laugh. A therapist in need of therapy. How ironic.

Her picture frame, eternally smiling, caught her attention once more. Maybe it was time to let it go.

“I have an idea,” she said, less excited than she’d been previously. “It will be difficult, but I think we could really help your situation.” She tapped her ring thrice. “For both of us.”

Kevin looked up at that. “What do you mean?”

Speaking it out loud was harder than Bee had anticipated. She looked up at Kevin, no longer a therapist, but a confiding acquaintance. “Years ago, I had a husband. Mark. He was my best friend. Much like you were saying a few sessions ago, I knew him better than anyone else did. He died of leukaemia, and I don’t believe I’ve let him go at all.”

The look on Kevin’s face was apologetic, but familiar. He sat up.

“I propose that we do this, together. We write eulogies, all of the things we wanted to tell our people, then we let them go. Into a body of water. We let the water carry them now, to somewhere better than here.”

For all of Kevin’s aversion to turns of phrase and sentimentality, he gave a minute nod and a small smile.

Bee added one more thing. “I wonder, would you be okay with me discussing this with Wymack? Carlisle, I mean. I know that it speaks to more than just grief.”

Sexuality wasn’t said. Identity either. But Kevin took a moment to think and returned with his nod.

“It’s okay. I’d like to do that. Thank you, Bee.”

“Thank you, Kevin.”

Bee took one last look at her picture frame.  _ Thank you, Mark. _


	14. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i say double upload??? i meant triple oops

**To:** [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ I have permission from Kevin to discuss with you a certain topic that has come up in our sessions together. I hope you’d find this to be a starting point with him. _

_ Kevin appears to be suffering with complex grief. I wonder if you could ask him about a boy named Carlisle. Kevin was 13 when they were together, and he has unresolved feelings regarding his death. I’m handling this in my own way, but I believe that confiding in you may be a good option for him to reach out and begin coping with it in a less clinical format. He truly does look up to you, and if I’m not out of line with saying this, he misses you. _

_ Have a good week. _

_ Betsy. _

_ - _

**To:** [ **betsy.dobson74@gmail.com** ](mailto:betsy.dobson74@gmail.com)

_ Betsy, _

_ Thanks. I’ll give it a go. He’s been more distant this week.  _

_ David. _

_ - _

**To:** [ **betsy.dobson74@gmail.com** ](mailto:betsy.dobson74@gmail.com)

_ Betsy, _

_ I spoke with Kevin. You’re right. I had no idea he had gone through anything like that. I imagine there’s more, and he’s opening up a bit more about how he’s holding up with the team. I think he’s really benefiting from your sessions. _

_ Thank you. _

_ David. _


	15. SESSION 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here!! for the first time!!!!! in this fic!!!!! kevin learns HOW to HEAL.

They met at the Congaree River just before sunset. Bee wore a woollen peacoat in a dark red to war against the cold, and Kevin wore his usual jeans with a puffer jacket to do the same. His hands were firmly dug into his pockets, shoulders tense and squashed up to his ears. Bee tsked at him and shed her scarf, wrapping it around his neck before he could protest. 

“Boys,” she sighed. “Always so adamant they can outrun nature.”

Kevin chuckled. “I don’t own clothes for this kind of weather.”

“Well, you should.”

They walked down to the riverbank in silence, Bee toying with the lighter in her pocket; a loan from Andrew. As they approached the water, they slowed to a stop and regarded each other in a moment of shared hesitance. 

“Are you speaking to your mother, too?” Bee asked. 

Kevin shook his head. “I have some work to do before that, if it’s alright.”

“Of course. Would you like me to go first?” 

Kevin nodded.

When Bee unfolded her paper, she was overcome with fear. This was it. Four years of perfecting her memory of Mark, was she about to throw it away? Was the risk worth the reward?

Kevin noticed her nerves and held her hand. 

_ It’ll be okay,  _ she thought. She began to read.

_ Mark. _

_ I knew I loved you when I met you. In a group of so many, you made me feel important, and heard, and known. I thought I was average before I met you, but you made me feel like so much more. I wish I could have told you this, but now is as good as ever.  _

_ I remember how you used to dance in public and not care what other people thought of it. You were so confident and alive, and you taught me how to be more than I was. If not for you, I wouldn’t have the guts to take on the projects I do now. I believe in myself, because you believed in me. You were the best friend I could have asked for. _

_ I knew you were dying when we married, but that didn’t scare me at all. Even if I only had a week to be your wife, I would have taken it. It was a privilege to have known you the way I did, and to be loved by you, and have my forever promised to you. Our wedding is the first memory I think of when I think of you. _

_ When you left us, I knew it would be hard to leave you behind. I began to regret loving you so much and making it so hard to lose you. Now, though, I know it’s a blessing to love fiercely and completely. If I hadn’t loved you as I did, I would have very many more regrets. _

_ For every time we laughed together, loved each other, and lost each other, I hope you know that I will remember you. And love you. But I’ll move on from here with your memory as a reminder, not of how to lose something, but how to love someone.  _

Crying, Bee folded the paper once more and sighed. Speaking it aloud made her feel light. Free. It was a step forward into a new life. 

She let go of Kevin’s hand and held the paper out over the water.When she pulled out Andrew’s lighter, she stalled.She thought she saw someone else in the reflection of the water, smiling.

The paper burned slowly. With every word eaten by the flame, Bee felt more relieved. Finally, she dropped it into the water and watched the current take it away.

She didn’t have to think about taking Kevin’s hand when she stood beside him once more. Of course, it was for Kevin — a tangible reminder that he wasn’t alone. It was also for her, to stop herself from falling to the ground and sobbing.

“You’re up,” she said.

Kevin’s hand’s shook as he looked at the paper, then he breathed in and read.

_ Car, I miss you. _

_ I know that we were young and maybe foolish when we knew each other, but that only adds to why I miss you so much. I missed getting to grow up with you, and learn with you. I missed the adventures we were going to have and the games we were going to win. I missed all of your birthdays and New Year’s kisses. I missed so much.  _

_ If I could go back, I would have told you that you made me feel more than anything I’ve ever known. You were bright and bubbly, and you made me feel that way, too. When everything felt hopeless, I could always look to you to make me see the good in the world. If I could go back, I would tell you that I love you. Because I did, and I do. _

_ You’re still in every decision I make, even the bad ones. I still think of what you would say to me if you could know me now. You would know what to say, and you would support me. That’s all I ever wanted. I know that wherever you are now, you can see me making mistakes, and that you still smile on me when I need it. Your memory is what I hold onto when everything else is running away from me, and if it wasn’t for the experiences I had with you, I don’t know that I’d believe there was still something to live for.  _

_ I regret a lot of things. You aren’t one of them. Falling in love with you will always be the best decision I ever made. _

_ It wasn’t our fault. We were kids and we weren’t doing anything wrong. I wish I could see you, one more time, and tell you that I want you to rest easily now. You’ve had my back for years, but I can do this on my own now.  _

_ Thank you for everything. Thank you. _

Kevin held his burning letter longer than Bee did, until the flames almost touched his fingers. In the end, though, he dropped it into the water and watched it go, then bent down to dip his hands in the water and draw a cross over his chest and forehead. Bee watched him pray with a swell of pride in her chest that may have been a sob she couldn’t quite release. Kevin turned to her, smiling wider than she’d yet seen, and embraced her in a hug.

“Thank you so much,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” Bee soothed, both of them crying. “It’s okay, dear.”


	16. SESSION 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont exactly remember the time spans between certain events in aftg but these are,, close enough. kevin deals with seth's death and his slight detachment to it (it develops in later chapters pls trust me)

Kevin was happier than he had been in a long time, Bee noticed. He spoke more about the team and complimented their progress, even going as far as to say that he was enjoying Neil's company.

When Kathy Ferdinand happened, Kevin panicked, but he also stepped back and allowed Bee to calm him down. He spoke about Abby with the same reverence as he did his mother or Wymack, spending long rambles trying to explain how he felt when she hugged him. 

"Like—," he tried to conclude. "Like I could finally relax. Like I didn't need to worry or think anymore. I felt protected." 

"Like having a family," Bee had suggested. Kevin rolled his eyes.

Now, though, they sat opposite each other once more with a new topic to discuss. 

Seth Gordon was dead. Kevin didn't know how to feel. 

"I didn't like him," Kevin freely admitted. "He was a homophobic asshole and he beat me up. A lot." 

Bee had to smile at that, but she was finding it difficult. Seth might have been abrasive at the best of times, and it was true that he had some less than appropriate views of his fellow teammates, but he was a lot like Kevin in that he had really been trying to change.

“I want to feel bad, but I don’t,” Kevin explained. “Am I a bad person?”

“No,” Bee chuckled. “No, Kevin. It’s perfectly alright that you feel detached from this. Tell me, though, how are your teammates feeling about this?”

Kevin shrugged. “Bad. Especially Allison. They were a thing, always, even when they weren’t together.”

“True romantics.”

“Yeah, sort of.” Kevin scratched his neck. “I know there’s patient confidentiality and all, but you probably knew him better than we did. Was he...good?”

Bee studied that question, along with Kevin’s ther comments and a few things from his previous sessions. She wrote down  _ Polarity _ . “Seth was...hard-working. He wanted the Foxes to work for him. He challenged himself a lot. He also dealt with grief and guilt from his past.” Bee looked up at Kevin again, realising she might have just said the right thing. “Sound familiar?”

With a small nod, Kevin averted his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You didn’t like Seth, and you have a complex history with grief. However, I am interested in something you’ve said. Well, something you’ve  _ been  _ saying.”

She tapped her pen thrice.

“Good and bad? Do you think that’s all there is?”

Kevin considered it, then had shame overcome him. “I guess not.”

“It’s not a criticism. It’s very common for someone with anxiety as intense as yours. It’s a means of defense.”

Thinking in dichotomies of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ was a sure way to protect someone from stumbling into a hairy situation, providing they had classed everything appropriately. The glaring issue there, was that nothing is ever truly ‘good’ or ‘bad’ — always a mix of wrongs and rights, often immeasurable to each other. Seth was a prime example, although Bee had spent a long time explaining that undervaluing the lives of people with different sexualities. He was a scrappy guy with anger issues, which came from a darker place of hurt and hardship. He had done good in his life and he had done bad. Bee had the mindset that dedication to improvement was a considerably good thing.

Kevin was much the same. Comparing the two of them was startling.

“I just feel like looking past some of that ‘bad’ stuff is...well, bad,” Kevin explained.

“I see,” Bee nodded. She enjoyed these sorts of conversations with Kevin — she felt like she, too, was learning with him. “Maybe you’re right. However, there’s value in everyone. Not all people will see it, but for some people, that’s all they see. Allison will of course be hurt, and there’s no requirement for you to breakdown in tears for Seth to show your support. You don’t even have to look at the good parts of him, necessarily. However, maybe telling Allison that you understand she’s hurting and hope she’s okay is a nicer way to go about it, rather than being angry that the line-up is now one person down.”

Yes, Bee had heard about that comment. She wasn’t shocked, not by Kevin, but the dismissal was slightly offensive. 

Kevin grimaced. “I get it now.”

“And I’m glad we got a chance to discuss it. Really, Kevin — you’re putting in a lot of work here.”

He smiled. “Oh, don’t worry. There’s always more to be done.”

It was the closest thing to a joke Kevin had ever said in their sessions. Bee laughed as though it wasn’t a worry.


	17. TEXT MESSAGE 1

**To — Allison:**

Hey

**From — Allison:**

Yes?

**To — Allison:**

I want to apologise for the way I treated Seth’s passing.

I know he meant a lot to you. I was being an asshole. It wasn’t right of me to act like it didn’t matter, because it does.

I hope you’re okay. 

Or, if not, I hope you know he loved you a lot. 

**From — Allison:**

Thanks. 

You were being an asshole.

But thank you. I’ll be okay. It’s nice to know I come up in your therapy sessions.

**To — Allison:**

Ha ha. So funny.

I’m not great to talk to about this stuff, but if you want someone to not talk to about it, I’m always here.

**From — Allison:**

I might actually take you up on that, Day


	18. SESSION 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will pepper in the fact that my family is in a collective catholic faith crisis, and then i will project it on kevin day. religion is a touchy subject but here's this

“Are you very religious?” 

Kevin groaned immediately at that question, lying back against the arm of the couch and throwing his arm over his head. It was quite the reaction to, what Bee has assumed, a rather simple question.

“I don’t know,” Kevin answered. “I’m in an ongoing faith crisis.”

“Oh?” 

Bee recalled their meeting at the river, how Kevin had prayed with a cross over his chest. It had shocked Bee, up until she remembered him writing about going to church with his mother. It wasn’t ever mentioned beyond those points, and Bee had assumed it was just a part of him that needed no explanation. Really, this was supposed to be small talk.

“I went to a Catholic church when I was younger,” he explained. “I never really knew what was going on. I just know that I went there, some guy would talk for a while, we’d sing songs, and then we’d go to my grandma’s place for cake afterwards. Mom didn’t really believe in it — she reminded me of that  _ often _ — but it was a family thing. Plus, I think I mostly just hung out with the other kids. It was just a social thing.”

Bee nodded her head from side to side. “But you still pray?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It makes me feel closer to them.”

“Your family?”

He hummed a yes. 

This was interesting. Kevin was still searching for a family, but it seemed that there was one waiting for him elsewhere, in Ireland, in a memory. He had a stubborn attachment to his old life. That was why he found it so hard to accept that he wasn’t going to find Carlisle in the attention he was getting from Andrew. Bee wondered if David had ever gone to church with Kevin.

She still had so many questions about David. 

“Have you tried going to church again?” Bee asked. “Perhaps that would be a good way to find some community outside of Exy.”

“Why do I need a community outside of Exy?” Kevin asked, slightly shocked by the question. 

Bee only smiled at him. Kevin was a degree further than obsessive when it came to Exy. “I just think you could expand your horizons. Nevermind, though. Another day.”

He just shook his head.  _ Stubborn _ .

“I just don’t like the whole church thing,” Kevin elaborated. “I try it every now and again, but it just makes me feel cold. There’s something about it that doesn’t work for me. I tried protestant churches and everything, but it just wasn’t right. I want to have a connection to God, though.” He paused for a moment, playing with the orange blanket. “It makes me feel close to mom.”

Kayleigh Day might be the one piece of Kevin’s life that Bee wouldn’t figure out. He seemed to have mixed feelings about her, sometimes, with an underlying attachment to her that only a son could have. There were reverent moments, where Kevin talked about her like she was a miracle worker, and other where he spat out her name and begged for answers to questions Bee couldn’t hear. 

Was it a topic that could be broached so flippantly? Bee felt she had to work up to it.

“Well, it’s perfectly fine to practice religion in your own way,” Bee said. “A prayer once in a while, or a conversation with God — really, it’s yours to define.”

“But what’s that called?” Kevin asked. “How do I tell people, ‘I talk to God but I’m really 50-50 on whether he’s real or not’?”

Bee chuckled. Kevin had a funny way of explaining things sometimes. “Well, to be agnostic is to believe in a higher power without really knowing what that is. Do you believe in a higher power being out there, somewhere, watching over you?”

He considered it for a moment. “I guess.”

“Well, that might be you, then. Agnostic.”

Kevin, as he always did, smiled slowly. "Yeah. Maybe." 


	19. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srry i took a while i was building houses on sims :/
> 
> also uni starts this week so :////

**To:** [ **betsy.dobson84@gmail.com** ](mailto:betsy.dobson84@gmail.com)

_ Bee, I can’t come to our session this week. Andrew is gone and I’m not in a place where I can go to therapy. _

_ Sorry. _

_ Kevin. _

-

**To:** [ **kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us)

_ Kevin, _

_ I heard what happened at Thanksgiving. I really think it would benefit you to come this week, if not to talk, then to just sit and be in a safe space for a while. I’m concerned for you. _

_ Betsy. _

-

**To:** [ **kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us)

_ I don’t know if I can.  _

  
  


-

  
  


**To:** [ **betsy.dobson84@gmail.com** ](mailto:betsy.dobson84@gmail.com)

_ It’s up to you, but I really hope you come. My door is always open. _

_ Betsy. _


	20. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kevin panic emailing bee is me talking to lecturers

**_To:_ ** [ **_kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us_ ** ](mailto:kevin.day@palmetto.edu.us)

_ Kevin, _

_ I hope you’re well. I know this week hasn’t been good for you, and I missed having our session this week. If you’d like to organise an out-of-schedule appointment, let me know and we can sort something out. _

_ Betsy. _

_ - _

**_To:_ ** [ **_betsy.dobson84@gmail.com_ ** ](mailto:betsy.dobson84@gmail.com)

_ bee neil is goign to evermeor and i cant stop him polease help me _

_ - _

**_To:_ ** [ **_david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us_ ** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David,  _

_ I’ve had a distress call from Kevin. He contacted me via email — I believe he might be drunk or panicking — and he says that Neil is going to Evermore? I wasn’t aware of a transfer. _

_ I hope everything is okay. Your team is very strong, but this year has been particularly rough. Stay safe, all of you. _

_ Betsy. _

_ - _

**_To:_ ** [ **_betsy.dobson84@gmail.com_ ** ](mailto:betsy.dobson84@gmail.com)

_ I wasn’t either. Evermore isn’t a good place, and Neil said he was going to go see his Uncle Stuart. If Kevin knows something else, he should say something. _

_ - _

**_To:_ ** [ **_david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us_ ** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ I try to be as neutral as possible in my job, but you need to address this with Kevin yourself. He is quite clearly a sensitive person with a fair amount of mental distress and doesn’t always have apt judgement on situations. I understand that this is a trying time, but you need to be able to speak to him about these things. _

_ Betsy. _

_ - _

**_To:_ ** [ **_betsy.dobson84@gmail.com_ ** ](mailto:betsy.dobson84@gmail.com)

_ Of course. I apologise for taking your initiative for granted. _

_ David. _


	21. SESSION 36

Kevin couldn’t stop shaking as he tried his best to relay what happened in the past weeks. He stumbled and stuttered and apologised as he spoke, but what was more telling was the way he was full-body turned away from Wymack.

Bee had organised an emergency session between the 3 of them after receiving Kevin’s email. She had prepared Wymack with her standard spiel about the abusive relationship dynamics between Kevin and the Moriyamas, as well as his complex PTSD. To Bee’s surprise, the severity of Kevin’s ordeal was news to Wymack.

“I thought he was just defensive of them,” he explained. “I didn’t realise…”

Almost tired, Bee asked, “I thought he told you about Carlisle.”

“Well, yeah. He said Car was murdered. He didn’t say who did it.”

Now, Kevin was shaking — visibly, something Bee had seen only at his dark points — and Wymack was stuck between reaching out to comfort him and walking out of the room.

Neil had gone to Evermore. He was trying to help Andrew, was all he had said, and Kevin was tearing his hair out trying to cope. Two people who he’d found some form of family in, gone and in danger with no way to contact them. Bee was already pulling out his crisis plan from her desk. 

“Kevin, thank you for telling us this,” she began. “I want you to know, though, that in the future you should tell an adult you trust to handle something like this.”

Kevin scoffed. “Like who?”

That hit Wymack, visibly. His frown relaxed and his shoulders softened to a slump. Bee recalled how Kevin had called him  _ Uncle David _ once, and how that couldn’t have been a title given out freely. It was likely that, all those years ago, David had loved Kevin very much, too.

“What was your plan?” He asked, instead. “I’m not mad. But, what were you planning on doing?”

Kevin saw his crisis plan on Bee’s desk and couldn’t hold his gaze. Bee’s heart sank.  _ Oh, no. _

“Nothing,” he answered, suddenly defensive and angry. “I couldn’t do anything. No one can. That isn’t how this works.”

“The hell do you mean ‘nothing’?” Wymack asked. His frustration was suddenly tangible.

Kevin had reverted into his second personality, someone he’d admitted to learning from Riko. Bee was quickly losing power in the room. “I mean, you don’t understand what goes on there,” Kevin hissed. “No one does.”

“So, tell me!”

“I can’t!”

“Why not, Kevin?”

“ _ Because I don’t want you to get involved! _ ”

The room went silent. Bee wasn’t quite sure why, but Wymack couldn’t answer to that. He stared at Kevin, as vulnerable as Bee had ever seen him. There was something unspoken between them that Bee couldn’t read.

“Why?” Wymack asked. Begged. 

Kevin pressed his lips into a thin line — a clear sign that he wanted to say more than he could, Bee had found. 

“Because I don’t want you to get hurt.”

They didn’t speak for the rest of the session. It seemed that Wymack had to unpack Kevin’s feelings about him, something young and hurt that wouldn’t sleep. Kevin had a blush high on his cheeks and tears glazing his eyes if Bee looked at him on a certain angle. They were both processing the things Bee wished she knew — perhaps Wymack was the key to Kevin’s yearn for family?

She had to stop herself from believing that everything in life was a puzzle with all the right pieces. There weren’t always cosmic reasons and locks on doors that could be opened with magic words and secret knocks. It was a bad habit of hers. 

She wrote down  _ David? _ still. There were still so many questions about Kevin, but they had to go to one side for a moment.

“If Kevin is right,” Bee said solemnly, “then all we can do is wait. Neil made his own decision to go to Evermore.”

“Uninformed,” Kevin whispered. He waited a moment, then stood and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bee: kevin is the most vulnerable i've ever seen him :(  
> kevin: don't worry it gets worse


	22. SESSION 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late upload!! im studying and working atm. these next few chapters are a bit heavier, i'll let you all know about any triggers.

Kevin missed a couple of sessions out of shame. He was reported to be lying low, avoiding the team, and spending most of his time on the court. Bee did go watch him practice a few times, just to stabilise her place in his mind as ‘safe’ and ‘good’, because she couldn’t blame a traumatised boy for being scared. She would cheer from the sidelines, albeit she didn’t really understand Exy, and Kevin would grin at her from under his helmet. They wouldn’t talk about what was going on, but Bee would sometimes give Kevin a ride back to the dorms. She would always ask, quietly, “will you be alright?” and he would reply, “I will. Thank you.” even if they both knew it was a lie.

But he was sitting across from her now, his face bloody and bruised and scarred, and Bee had to guess that the team found out about Neil’s trip to Evermore. Once again, Kevin wanted to leave Palmetto.

“I can’t do it,” he said, no sense of fear or sadness in his voice — just resolute disappointment in himself. “I can’t be good like them. Or for them. I’m not  _ good _ .”

Bee hated seeing her patients like this, and she didn’t hate many things. She wanted to be able to instill hope in them, but at this point, that was becoming more and more difficult. Anger could always lead to spite, and Bee used that where she could. Here, though, with a patient so resolute, she didn’t know what to do.

“I want to go somewhere else and start again,” he went on. “I want to be normal.”

“Kevin, you’re wanted here—”

“No, I’m not!” He yelled. It frightened Bee, and she couldn’t quite hide it, but the look on Kevin’s face when he realised what he’d done was one of deep regret. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t— I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite alright, Kevin. I’ve had worse happen in a session.” She chuckled, glancing at one of her glass figurines that had been smashed by Allison amid a rant about her father. Kevin still receded and stared at the floor. “I meant what I said, though. You have more of a life here, in other peoples’ lives, than you realise.”

“All I do is ruin things, Bee. That’s it. I’ll keep ruining things, because I’ve been here too long and I’ve kept too many secrets—”

“Like what, Kevin?”

He looked helpless. This was a man who was at the end of his rope. 

“I can’t tell you.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, Bee. It’s  _ serious _ . Other things were in the past and things I couldn’t help but this — I don’t know how to explain this. Not even to you.”

Bee passed her fingertips over the note she’d written that only read  _ David?  _ and began to wonder.

And then.

“Oh, Kevin.”

But he hadn’t known what she thought.


	23. TEXT MESSAGE 2

**From — Neil:**

does he know?

**To — Neil:**

Please be more specific.

**From — Neil:**

does wymack know he’s your dad?

kevin?

i don’t blame you

**To — Neil:**

How can you not?

And it won’t matter. Everyone else will.

**From — Neil:**

because i know what goes on there now. riko told me what they did t you.

i get it

but you have to tell him

he deserves to know

**To — Neil:**

So did I.

I can’t do that to him. Kayleigh and I have done enough.

Just don’t worry about it.

**From — Neil:**

what does that mean? 

did you just leave?

kevin, where are you going?


	24. SESSION 40 - OFF RECORDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for implied suicidal thoughts/tendencies :(

Bee let Kevin into her house willingly when he showed up drunk, still holding the bottle like a loaded gun.

“He’s my dad,” was all he said, and all Bee could say was, “I know.”

She took his bottle away and tipped it all down the sink. Kevin whined, but Bee didn't give it attention. Dealing with drunk people was a lot like dealing with a child. 

She busied herself with making tea and setting Kevin down onto the couch. He muttered fragments of sentences under his breath and was shaking under his blanket, dissociating. Bee's mind was running a mile a minute trying to decode what was happening. Was this a panic attack or a mental break?

"Kevin, are you able to speak?" Bee asked. 

Kevin nodded, robotic, but didn't make eye-contact.

"Neil knows," he whispered. "Everything's ruined." 

"No, let's not think like that." Bee had to remember to maintain her boundaries, even with the situation being so extraordinary. She placed her hand over Kevin's, squeezed, and brought his cup of tea to his hands. "Tell me facts. Things that you know." 

Kevin sipped his tea, but it splashed over the sides with the tremor in his hands. Bee offered him a napkin, but the urge to mother him was getting stronger. 

"The Moriyamas told him," Kevin said. "Or Jean…. Fuck,  _ Jean _ ." 

Kevin heaved and sobbed. He was remembering something, Bee knew that much, but whether it was painful or painful to miss was harder to guess. 

"Kevin," she soothed, wrapping his blanket around him tighter. "Honey, what is it? Who's Jean?"

He cried harder and shook his head. 

_ One thing at a time, _ Bee reminded herself.  _ Start with the trigger.  _

For a good 5 minutes, they sat in silence as Kevin tried to calm down. Bee rubbed his shoulder gently, something she hadn't realised she was doing, but decided it was fine for boundaries.

Eventually, his breathing evened out. Bee sighed and corrected his blanket again. "Are you okay?" 

"No," Kevin whispered. 

"That's okay. Can you tell me what you're feeling?” She sat a little further away, just to give him some space. “Just one word is okay.”

“Scared.”

Of course he would be. Kevin was strong, but that never came without its exceptions. He looked up to Wymack so much — which made so much more sense now — and risked losing it all. Another family gone. Bee could hardly bear to think about it. 

“I can’t— this is all I have,” he admitted. “Bee, without Wymack, I’m…”

Dead. 

His crisis plan was tethered to his attachment to Wymack. He wrote down, in his list of things to live for, every moment where Wymack had said he was proud of him, extended a hand to him, kept him safe. Bee remembered mentioning how Wymack was very much a father figure for Kevin, and How Kevin had flinched and said  _ no, he’s just good to me. _ Bee was finding, more and more, that there were a lot of people who weren’t good to Kevin.

“I just want someone,” Kevin whispered. “I want to be able to talk to someone who isn’t a therapist or sees me as a commodity. I wanted Wymack to be  _ that person _ , but he’s never wanted me there.”

That wasn’t true. That was a fact Bee knew, but couldn’t say. 

“There will be a way out of every dark place, Kevin,” she said. Her voice shook. She couldn’t help it. “I promise you I will find it with you.”


	25. TEXT MESSAGE 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update :(( iso and uni is getting to ur girl.

From — Neil:

are you back?

To — Neil: 

Yeah 

From — Neil:

wanna practice?

To — Neil:

No

From — Neil:

ok 

do you wanna talk about it?

To — Neil:

Maybe.

Later.

From — Neil:

i meant what i said kevin

i don’t blame you

To — Neil:

It won’t matter

He’s going to hate me

Everyone is

From — Neil:

not me

and andrew already hates you so not much change

To — Neil:

Neil I’m really glad you found your family here.

That just isn’t the case for me. 

From — Neil:

kev :(

kev?

in my experience, running doesn’t solve a lot of things

To — Neil:

This isn’t for me.


	26. CONFESSION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for suicidal thoughts and big sad times for ur favourite boy :(

Kevin’s neck was bruised and his throat burning. Not much could have gone worse for him when Andrew put his hands on him, he thought. It had to stop, at some point; the pain, the anxiety, the constant shortcomings.

But Neil had caught him as he was leaving to go to his room, and that never meant anything good.

“Hey— what the hell happened to you?” He asked.

Kevin was seething. He couldn’t help it. “Ask your boyfriend. Surely you can recognise his work.”

Neil flinched back a bit. Kevin had glossy eyes again, something he was getting worse at controlling. It wasn’t like it was uncommon for the Foxes to see Kevin breakdown, but that was always received with a bottle of vodka and a stern ‘get up, we’re moving on’. 

“Asshole,” Neil sneered. This was how all of their interactions went. Kevin assumed that was it. “You have to tell Wymack.”

Fear struck Kevin like lightning. He was losing too much that night. He couldn’t lose the last thing holding him in Palmetto.

“Neil—”

“Kevin, the media needs something else to focus on, okay? If you do this, it’ll make everything easier. Just...please. Come on.”

Depression was a funny thing. Kevin went from feeling too much, to feeling nothing at all. He walked away from Neil, someone he had foolishly thought he could trust, and headed toward his room. 

He surveyed the few photos he carried with him: one of him and his mother in their little garden, one of the team, and one of him and Wymack, dated so long ago that Kevin couldn’t read his mother’s handwriting anymore.

There was a blade in his bag. That would be enough. He could say what he needed to, then do everyone a favour. Finally.

It was Wymack who found him, though, knocking on his door and opening it without a response. 

“Hey,” he said. “Neil said you were looking for me.”

Kevin shook his head, still staring at the memories he was about to ruin. “I was about to.”

His voice was wrecked. It was a side effect of the strangling, but there was also a lump in his throat when he studied how Wymack used to look. He used to smile and carry Kevin around, laugh when Kevin said something, tuck him into bed when Kayleigh was busy.

“Oh. Well, I’m here. What’s up?”

Kevin put the photos down and turned to face Wymack. “I’m telling you this because Neil wanted me to.”

Wymack raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t want to,” Kevin chuckled joylessly. “I know I should have done it earlier, but I didn’t.”

“Kev, what—?”

“You’re my dad,” Kevin confessed. He was angry and it was boiling over. “I found out when I was 18, they told me you didn’t want me. Fuck, you don’t make it easy to not believe that.” 

Wymack was still. He wasn’t believing Kevin. That much was obvious. 

Kevin threw Kayleigh’s letter at him, and sat down again, searching through his bag for alcohol, a lighter, his blade, anything that would hurt him more than this.

“Kevin,” Wymack said.

“Shut up,” Kevin replied, not looking up. 

“Kevin, what are you doing?”

“Shut  _ up _ .”

His hands clenched around his blade and squeezed. He gasped at the pain, felt blood budding at his skin, and sighed in relief. 

Wymack crouched beside him and gently pried the blade out of his hand. “Don’t.”

“Stop it,” Kevin pleaded. 

“Stop what?”

“Acting like this is fine. It’s not fine.”

Wymack sighed heavily. “You’re right. It isn’t. There’s no point in doing this-” He gestured to the blade he was holding. “-though.”

Kevin didn’t understand. He thought for sure that this would have been better for everyone. Then again, not everyone knew yet.

“Get some sleep. I’m sending Andrew in-”

“ _ No _ .” The bruises on Kevin’s throat were still throbbing. 

Wymack thought it over and realised why Kevin was being so hostile. “Fine. Abby, then. Just stay safe, okay?”

The idea of ‘staying safe’ was never easy for Kevin, especially now that his reality was shifting beneath him. Still, Wymack had a hand on Kevin’s knee and was asking him to stay alive, just one more night.

The team would find out, though. They would hate him, disown him, throw him back to the Ravens where he belonged. 

That would have to be a problem for the next day, though.


	27. EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't post for eons bc uni owns my ass and also i sort of?? got a promotion?? but not really?? at work so im a bit stressed out. however!! i have 4 new chapters for u guys

_ To:  _ [ **betsy.dobson74@gmail.com** ](mailto:betsy.dobson74@gmail.com)

_ Betsy, _

_ I trust you knew about Kevin’s relationship to me. I want to thank you for your efforts to get us to speak, as I know it wasn’t your place to say anything. _

_ The team isn’t handling it well. I feel like separating him from them for the foreseeable future may be necessary and would greatly appreciate your input on this. _

_ Also, I want to speak to you, one on one, some time. I’m not sure where to go from here with Kevin. _

_ David. _

_ - _

_ To:  _ [ **david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us** ](mailto:david.wymack@palmetto.edu.us)

_ David, _

_ I’m sorry that this week has been so hard for you. I know how much you love these kids and hate to see them hurting, or in danger. As well, though, I want to thank you for being open to your own development. I feel as though you and Kevin share more similarities than you’re aware of. How does this Thursday sound? _

_ In terms of separation, I think that while Kevin is sensitive and, if what I’ve heard is correct, in danger of being physically hurt, I think it would be good for him to spend a week or so away from the team. Perhaps, though, you might find it useful to speak to your other Foxes about this. Open a discussion and have them air out their feelings. Keep in mind, however, that Kevin wouldn’t be there to defend himself. I don’t believe he’s emotionally ready for that conversation with his teammates. _

_ I can’t take him in. I’m required by my ethics to keep an appropriate distance from my patients. I don’t expect you to take him in either. If, perhaps, there’s a middle ground, I’d like you to suggest it to him. _

_ I really am proud of you and all your Foxes. _

_ Betsy. _


	28. SESSION 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts. this gets resolved within the chapter but please take caution

Kevin had been given permission to live at Abby’s house for a few weeks until everything died down. In that time, Bee was told, he had been weaned off alcohol and was eating at least 2 meals a day, but he spent his time alone, either in his bed or at the Court when no one else was there. 

It was something, Bee had to remember. Kevin took small steps and backtracked often, but he never stopped trying. 

It had been 4 days since Kevin had confessed everything to Wymack and he was sitting on Bee’s couch, stiff and sore from the bruises on his ribs. Bee wished she knew how to begin, but every opening she had felt too harsh.

“Bee, this isn’t worth it,” he finally said. It was so light and wispy that he had lost all lower register to his voice. 

“What do you mean?” She asked. She wanted to sound professional and calm, but it came out more desperate. Bee knew where this was going, and like a train-wreck, she was having a hard time trying to stop it.

“I worked my whole life to the best at Exy.” (Bee tried very hard to ignore the way Kevin spoke in the past tense.) “Exy isn’t going to give me a future. I’ll have a career and still be alone when I come back from a game or a practice. Exy was supposed to let me have a life. I fucked it up.”

Being isolated from the team must have given Kevin the room for thought he had been waiting for. Bee hid her terror with a practice expression of concern.

His crisis plan was out on her desk. She always had it ready for him, in case he wanted to review it. Now, he couldn’t even look at it.

“You can’t stop me,” he said. “Thank you for trying, though.”

Bee looked away. She tried not to feel personally disheartened. All of that work, all of that time...and she had still failed. 

But. Giving up didn’t help anyone.

“Kevin, I don’t want you to feel alone.” She breathed deep and even. “I don’t want you to feel alone, because you’re not. It’s hard to see right now, because you’ve had a hard week — harder than you should have ever had to deal with — but there are people on this team, and people in your life, who love you. They cherish you so much.”

“I’m loud and annoying and can’t go three days without getting the shit kicked out of me by these people who, supposedly, ‘love’ me.” There was no emotion in his voice, just boredom and despair. “I’m going to do it. It’s better for everyone.”

“Kevin—”

“Thank you,” he said, standing up. He still had 40 minutes of his session left. “Really. You’re an amazing therapist. I’m just not a good patient.”

“Kevin, sit down, please.”

He hesitated, as he often did, and sat down once more. He was robotic and cold, unable to look her in the eye. Bee ached for him, as she did most of her patients, and pushed a teacup towards him. He nodded, so she poured him a cup (liquorice and mint; a new addition to her collection) and let him take it.

“Tell me about your ideal life,” she asked. “The house you’d like to live in, the hobbies you’d like to have. Tell me where you want to be.”

His response was automatic. “I’ll make Court and live in an apartment close to the stadium—”

“No, Kevin…” She was being stern with him now, to break the ice that had settled over his features. “That’s not you. That’s what people want from you. What do  _ you _ want?”

He swirled his tea around and thought about it. “I do want to make Court,” he defended. “I love playing Exy. I just...when I retire, I want to live in a small house.”

Bee raised her eyebrows, smiling, encouraging him to keep going. 

“No stairs, because I’ll no doubt have fucked up knees. Plus, if it’s small, it won’t be hard to clean. I want it to have a nice garden where I can grow food, and I’ll get a cat to keep pests away.” Quietly, he added, “It can keep me company.”

He went on explaining his dream house, gradually getting more and more detailed as the session drew to a close, and by the time he had finished, Bee could easily visualise the living room, kitchen, garden, and the cat’s special window seats in every room. He said he wanted a cozy study where he can read and work, likely researching Language History for some kind of university advancement. He pondered about a family, and Bee had never heard him speak so openly about his future. It was more than just the house, then. It was him integrating himself into other people’s lives, recognising value, striving for it. When Kevin was calm, Bee was calm.

“Do you know what you’ve just said to me?” Bee asked, when Kevin had run out of things to say.

He stared blankly.

“You just admitted that you have hopes for the future, ones that don’t depend on this team, and these years of your life. It will be hard, Kevin, and I can’t stop it from being hard. But I want you to remember that there’s something beyond this immediate point in your life. I know you don’t believe that you’re loved, but you can believe that you will be loved.”

Kevin paused, taking everything in, wondering what that meant until he understood it. “Oh,” he whispered, neat tears dropping from his eyes.

“Do you still want to do something drastic?” 

He shook his head. “No. I want to go to sleep.”

Bee chuckled. “I’ll write you a note for David.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, writing this chapter: wow! :) kevin is getting so much better! :)  
> me, remembering that riko dies p soon: oh. oh no.


	29. TEXT MESSAGE 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> neil and kevin, kevin and neil. best mafia buds for life. (guitar riffs)

From — Neil: 

you weren’t at practice

To — Neil: 

Therapy

From — Neil:

you missed the whole practice though

did something happen?

To — Neil:

I was just tired

I’ll make it up tonight

From — Neil:

oh

i can’t practice tonight

Dan planned something, i thought you knew?

To — Neil:

I didn’t. I’d rather not go anyway.

From — Neil: 

i’ll stand by you if you come

you’re a part of our team

you have every right

To — Neil:

Thanks, but I’d rather hang out with Abby

I think we’re watching Dance Moms tonight

She yells at the tv. It’s fun.

From — Neil:

okay well

i miss you

To — Neil:

Okay


	30. WYMACK, DAVID VINCENT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> b,, baby kevin stories are my weakness

Bee didn’t want to speak to David in her office, at the risk of him feeling too restricted. They met at a quiet coffee shop downtown, laden with plants hanging over the windows and comfy seats surrounding an eclectic assortment of thrift shop tables. Bee wondered if Kevin would appreciate the aesthetic. 

Judging by the grimace on David’s face, he didn’t like it. He had complained about the low-lighting as soon as they had walked in, and grumbled when he realised they didn’t serve bottomless coffee like a highway diner. It was quite amusing, Bee thought, to compare Davidand Kevin to each other. 

“How has your week been?” Bee asked, sipping her hot chocolate. 

David grunted. “Better than expected. Still, it’s not over yet.”

“True. You might win the lottery.”

“I might lose a kid.”

“Ever the pessimist, David. As far as I’m aware, your kids are fine.”

David raised an eyebrow, sipping his coffee. Bee had sent him a small caution after Kevin’s session that his mood had dropped lower than she had seen it before, but he was safe as long as he was staying with Abby. It was true, as well. Kevin had emailed her that morning with a small thank you, along with an addition to his ramble the day before —  _ The cat’s name will be Darling _ .

“I went to see him last night,” David admitted. “Sort of. I went to Abby’s to pick something up and checked in on them. They were watching some crap on T.V., shouting at this dance teacher who, quite frankly, I can’t believe still has a job. It was...strange.”

Bee cocked her head to one side. “What part of it was strange?”

David attempted to glare at her when he heard the therapist voice leaking through her words. Bee only smiled. (She was learning quite a bit about, quote, “being an asshole” from Kevin and Andrew.) “He was laughing. Properly laughing, and smiling. I haven’t seen him like that in years.” 

The sound of her cup clinking into place on her saucer was a calm juxtaposition to the heaviness in David’s voice. Bee smiled at him, finally understanding, perhaps, what really set David off-kilter. “You mean, when he was a child?”

David laughed once, breathless and fond. “Fuck, he was a  _ baby  _ when I knew him. He didn’t really want to play Exy, he just wanted to hang out with his mom and nap in the garden.”

“What was he like?” Bee was thoroughly intrigued by baby stories.

David shook his head. “He was perfect. Really sweet. Couldn’t really speak English, but he learnt eventually. He used to crawl up on my lap all the time when I was watching a game, passed me one of his teddy bears and wouldn’t give up until I took it. He was a real charmer.”

Bee was going to say something, but David was finished talking ( _ bragging _ ) about Kevin.

“He used to be awful at Exy. He didn’t want to brawl people because he didn’t want to hurt them. One time he got an award for sportsmanship because he caught the ball and dropped his racquet to go sit with someone from the other team who had fallen over. He was hopeless at competition. All he wanted was to make friends.”

“Did he have many friends?” Bee asked.

“Oh, yeah. He was just a nice kid, people liked to be around him. I mean, sure, he had his moments, but every kid does.” David sighed, picking up his coffee again and losing his smile. “I don’t know what happened to him.”

_ A lot of trauma _ , Bee didn’t say. “At his core, I think he still is sweet. He spent the better part of an hour yesterday explaining to me how when he retires, he just wants to own a cat and tend to a vegetable garden.”

The snort David let out was uncharacteristic and filled Bee with hope. Perhaps mending their relationship was a realistic journey to walk down.

“You know, Kevin is a lot like you,” she mused. “He’s pragmatic and brave, and he cares deeply about people — he just doesn’t know how to express it. He’s been through a lot, David. More than he shares.”

David wiped hastily, maybe violently, over his face, but Bee saw the glossy eyes and pinking cheeks — the same signs as Kevin that he was growing upset.

“Kevin wants his childhood back as much as you do. Maybe, that’s a healing path you could take together.”

David sniffed, sighing .”How would I even start?”

Bee smiled into her mug. “I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's something so disturbing about remembering that wymack has a Whole Name


	31. SESSION 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to "jess does what she wants", sorry for the small hiatus, my laptop broke (rip) :(

Kevin stared at the water once again. Spring was in full effect now, and there were petals floating down the river, frost in the air. It all felt quiet, Bee thought fondly. She hoped it would aid in giving Kevin peace.

Although, it was growing difficult to soothe him, as the minutes passed in silence and David didn’t show.

“He won’t come,” Kevin said, forlorn. “Kayleigh’s always been dead to him.”

“You can’t say that Kevin,” she defended, even though her faith was waning. “Grief is a terrible, complex thing. There’s no universal way to show it.”

“I think avoiding a second wake is a pretty clear sign.” He turned away from the water and began walking up the riverbank. “I’ll see you next week.”

Bee sighed, watching her breath materialise before her.

Then, there was a voice. For a second, she mistook it for a ghost of a man she had lost herself.

“Leaving already?” David asked, walking up to them, stiff as always. “I underestimated my travel time. Sorry.”

Though Bee wasn’t always the best at reading emotions Kevin hadn’t displayed before, she knew the look of hope on a child’s face anywhere. A moment where all doubt and dismay is abandoned, and there’s nothing but a wish, ask, and the answer they wanted to hear. David seemed to know this as well, extending one arm to his son and curling around Kevin’s shoulders as he walked up to his father and leaned into him.

“You good?” David asked, rubbing Kevin’s arm. 

Even though Kevin nodded, David didn’t let go straight away. He held on, closing his eyes for a moment, making some sense of what he was about to do.

Bee appreciated being able to step back and watch them. She watched as they slowly rekindled something long lost, and while her heart ached with a yearning to have that relationship — with a parent, relative, a child — she smiled, full with pride for Kevin and resolution. A  _ real  _ step forward. This was what Kevin had needed.

“Do you wanna go first, or shall I?” David asked.

Kevin wouldn’t look at him. “Will you?”

Bee knew what he was doing. He wasn’t going to spill himself out, make himself vulnerable, if Wymack was going to dishonour the only family member Kevin had truly held close to his heart. He had done it with Bee, and it had made sense. The hesitation was still a barrier, but it was one that Bee was willing to let lie.

“Alright.” David finally let him go to grab a piece of paper with a heavy sigh. There was a long pause, where Bee really thought David may not make it through even the first line, but without speaking, Kevin took his hand and held it with white knuckles.

“Alright,” David repeated.

_ Kayleigh. _

_ You were the first woman I loved that truly, honestly, loved me back. You were a beautiful soul, and I don’t think I honoured that the way I should have. From the moment I saw you playing hockey far too violently, to when you brought home a gorgeous baby boy and let me hold him with no fear, I loved you wholeheartedly. I never have, and never will, stop loving you. You gave me everything I’d ever wanted; courage, a purpose, and a son I can be more than just proud of. _

_ The first words you said to me were the same as the last. It was ‘Thank you’ for getting your bag back from some asshole lacrosse player, and then for turning up at a birthday party for a seven-year-old boy that clung to me the whole night. I always remember you for your spirit, and your heart, because those things were impenetrable in even your toughest moments. You remain the strongest person I know, second only to our son. _

_ You blessed me. I was never religious, and you were a begrudging Catholic, but I really do have some higher power to thank for allowing me to meet you. You helped me out of habits that were bound to kill me and gave me a will to live that I can only honour by giving it to others. It’s what you would have wanted. _

_ I love you, and will always love you. There are hurts between us that may not heal between us, but I’ll always remember you for the amazing friend, mother, and love of my life that you were. _

There were tears dripping down David’s face as he bit his lips, trying to hold it in. Bee knew the loss of such a great love and wanted to console him, but remained where she was.  _ Arms length _ , she reminded herself. 

Kevin squeezed David’s hand, also crying. His whole body was shaking.

“I want to do it,” he confessed. “But...what if this means she’s really gone?”

Once again, David gathered Kevin in his arms and pressed a small kiss to his temple. Kevin was just short enough to fit himself beneath David’s jaw. “Trust me, kid; no matter how many times you say goodbye, no one ever really leaves you.”

There was a moment, when Kevin was in his father’s hold, that he closed his eyes and breathed deep, a subtle lift in the tension in his shoulders.  _ Home _ , Bee thought, and smiled to herself.

Kevin didn’t leave from David’s arms, and David, only held tighter, as he unfurled his eulogy and prepared himself.

_ Mom. _

_ I wish you were here to explain this to me. I wish you were here whenever I get sick and don’t know what to do. I wish you were here whenever I have a bad day, because you always knew me and what I needed to do to feel better. _

_ You taught me Gaelic and English, and you taught me how to play Exy. You also taught me that I love my family, and need them, because I feel extremely lost without them and without you. I always wish that I had told you I loved you more when you were here, and I wish I wasn’t such a shitty kid. I remember so little about you, but I remember that you loved me through everything. I remember you hugged me after every game, and always said I was the best on the court because I was having fun. I remember you were an awful cook, but after every dinner, you would sit on the couch with me and just talk. Not a lot of people just talk to me anymore.  _

_ I have questions that you won’t ever be able to answer, and I have memories that you won’t be able to see or be in, but you’re always with me, even when I forget that I was raised by an incredible mother, and an amazing woman.  _

_ Tá tú do-athraithe dom. Tá súil agam go gcuirfidh mé bród ort. _

_ Beidh grá agam duit i gcónaí. _

Despite knowing Kevin spoke Gaelic, and assuming he would use it to address his mother, the impact it had on both David and Bee was tangible. Truly, there were parts of Kayleigh Day in her son that could never die. 

The letters were burned, and Kevin once again said a small prayer to send them off, and Bee lost herself in the scenery, watching a father and son embrace, united by the woman who brought them to one another. They left separately, with Kevin riding back to breakfast and the Tower with David, and Bee driving back to her home alone.

Her empty home, full only of memories. 

At the first red light, she allowed herself to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bee :(
> 
> also i have a vested interest in Irish Gaelic and Ireland pre-English interference, but I'm not a good enough speaker to properly translate so I had to use google :/ what is Kevin is saying translates to "You are immutable to me. I hope I make you proud. I will always love you." but if it's wrong pls let me know


	32. SESSION 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't help making all my characters sad >:(  
> Also big thank you!!!! To FoxsoulCourt for giving me the inspo to have Bee talk about her therapy group - all of your comments MAKE MY DAY but i v rarely reply bc i am bad :(

After weeks of positive sessions, Bee was beginning to think Kevin was really on an upswing. She knew better than to believe that thought train, though, because with complex trauma came complex boundaries and connections to his past. 

Still. There were more anecdotes than Bee could recall on demand from Kevin’s childhood being brought up, which excited Kevin to no end. There was a glee about him that Bee hadn’t seen before, and the warmth he emitted from reclaiming his childhood was contagious. 

Bee had started wearing her wedding ring on her left hand again. She had been thinking more about Mark as of late. She had begun to wake up, reaching for him when she knows he won’t be there. She reverted to old habits, like pulling out two cups for coffee, or expecting to smell dinner cooking as she walked through her front door at night. She kept her house quiet, just in case she heard something; a chance to not believe she was alone. 

She had let Mark go. As a person, his passing was content with her now and she didn’t yearn for him the way she used. She didn’t want for his specific memories and mannerisms anymore. She had her mental museum of everything about  _ him _ , and would stroll through it on nights where he felt closer than before. But Kevin had made a good point, multiple times, that she had so carelessly thrown to the side — who was going to keep their people alive, if not for them and their mourning? Bee was beginning to see the other side of the coin, though. 

Without her grief, she was alone. She had let go without realising how little she had to fall back upon.

She observed Kevin as he spoke about his week with his dad. He was happy, so Bee had done well in her job, so she should be proud. But, how could she take any credit for Kevin’s improvement, when she herself was flailing in her own mind?

“Bee?” Kevin asked. 

She had zoned. Damn. She didn’t often do that. “Sorry, dear,” she smiled. “I must be tired. What did you say?”

“I...just wanted to know if you were okay. You’ve been distant.”

Though the concern was endearing and a quality Kevin didn’t often show off, Bee scolded herself for allowing their dynamic to be switched so quickly, so easily. “Oh, no dear, don’t you worry.”

“Who do you talk to?” Kevin asked, and moved to explain himself when Bee frowned. Had he figured her out so easily? “Like...do you see a counsellor? Or is that— is that rude of me to ask?”

She wanted to hold his hand whenever he doubted himself. He wanted so badly to be a good person, and be perceived as such, but his curiosity had fuzzy boundaries that he couldn’t quite see. She wanted to tell him that here, with her, he didn’t need to worry. It was okay to navigate those lines blindly.

“Kevin, you know you’re a sweet boy, don’t you?” She chuckled. “Your father was right. Your heart is soft and pure.”

Much like Bee knew him to, Kevin blushed at the compliment (or perhaps at the idea of David bragging about him). 

“I go to therapy with other psychologists. We discuss the things that may impair our judgement or our ability to help others, but also to help us personally. I must admit, though, these weeks have been more trying. That’s okay, though. I hope it doesn’t concern you, in terms of my ability to help you.”

“No! No,” Kevin defended. “I don’t— Bee, I trust you. I really do. I just don’t like seeing you upset.”

“Oh, honey. I’m okay, really. Seeing you and Wymack together, as well as all of your teammates having relatively peaceful lives as of late, it just frees up some time to go over thoughts that I haven’t dealt with yet. It’s perfectly normal.”

Well, it would be — sure — if she had been opening up at those meetings, or speaking to her friends at all about this. Perhaps Kevin was making some kind of point — not that she was a bad counselor, but that she couldn’t allow herself to fall by the wayside. After all, she wouldn’t allow a patient to do the same so easily. Had it been any of the Foxes suffering in silence, she would have been struck with her usual brand of motherly concern. Couldn’t she take care of herself the same way?

“You know, Kevin; you inspire me,” she confessed. “All of you Foxes do. I greatly appreciate the time I get to spend with each and every one of you. It reminds me of why I chose this line of work. You all work so hard to become better people for yourselves. I think, sometimes, I forget how to do that. Talking to you and your team is humbling, and a privilege.”

Kevin grinned, barely there and yet so bright. “I kind of thought you’d be sick of us by now. The others usually didn’t last this long.”

He said this with some scorn in his voice. It wasn’t surprising, given that Kevin already had issues with opening up, and a high turnover of counsellors was likely detrimental to that.

“How far did you get with them?” Bee asked. 

Kevin shrugged. “I told them about the team, about missing Riko, and about my mom. It was just the same thing, over and over again. One of them tried to get me to do meditation for the whole session, which was frustrating.” He huffed. “I have too much energy for that shit.”

That made Bee chuckle. “Some people with ‘too much energy’ actually  _ like  _ meditation. They were probably just trying to find the right approach for you.”

“I would have appreciated it a lot more if he had just let me talk.” Kevin scuffed his shoes against the floor. “Talking...helps. Lying on the floor in silence  _ does not help _ .”

Nodding, Bee scribbled down ‘ _ Likes talking _ ’. “Why does it help?”

Kevin stretched, which usually meant that he already had a fully thought out answer that he’d been sitting on for a while, but was trying to appear casual, as though he were speaking spontaneously. He had the strangest, most fascinating tells. “It untangles everything. Sometimes, I don’t know why people react to me the way that they do. And like — sure, if someone tells me  _ why _ , it solves that problem, but I understand it better if I can get there on my own. My brain is just too loud, though. I need to talk, otherwise I can’t make it make sense.”

That made more sense than most things Kevin had said before. He spoke a lot more than he thought, and it was a glaring sign that he was upset if he was silent. On a separate piece of notepaper, Bee drew a scribble, then an arrow to 5 straight, separated lines. 

“Does this... make sense?” Bee asked, showing him the drawing.

Kevin’s eyes widened. “Yeah! Yes! That’s exactly what it is!”

Bee wrote down  _ Visual learner,  _ smiling at the way he’d perked up. 

_ Not bad,  _ she thought to herself, and thought of what picture she could draw that would help her therapy group understand her situation. When Kevin had packed up and left, she sketched a crude drawing of herself and dotted silhouettes of people standing around her. There, in black pen on yellow paper, it made more sense to herself than it had before.  _ Not a bad counselor at all. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again a huge thank you to FoxsoulCourt, your comments gave me this whole Bee idea xxx


	33. SESSION 47

Much to Bee’s surprise, her picture method at group therapy had not only worked, it had taken off among the other counselors. Some found it easier to describe what they were feeling, prompting the words out of others where it failed themselves, and others found it had more flow to the session and required less harsh conversation to the crux of some matters. 

It wasn’t just that either. Many of her peers sympathised with having some unexpected things — even the good ones — drudge up old hurts in new clothes, which eased Bee’s anxiety just a little bit. Furthermore, some of those peers had extended kindness to her in different ways, offering lunch dates, or coffee, or sending her texts just to wish her a good day. She felt, for now, that the emptiness she felt at her side was whole again, and it had shown in her sessions with the Foxes.

Kevin’s session always made her uneasy. He was walking a thin line between stability and meltdown at all times, which didn’t instill a great deal of confidence in Bee. She tried to gauge his mood as soon as he walked in, but he was always exhausted in some way or another, so Bee had to think of ways to coax him out of that shell,

So, they were playing a game of eye-spy.

Something Bee had noticed about Kevin was that he desperately wanted to be young again. He wanted to feel that suspension of time where there was no need for productivity or sense or reason. He thrived in these moments, where there was no pressure to think or feel too much. Bee sometimes wished she could take a photo of the way his eyes would widen and light up, just to show him and ask him, ‘ _ who is this? What do you want to say to him? _ ’.

“Eye spy, with my little eye...” Bee drew out, pretending to search for something to pick. Kevin waited eagerly, lying on the couch with one leg kicked into the air and suspended, playing with his shoelaces. “Something beginning with ‘A’.”

Kevin sucked in a breath, thinking. “Is it...apple?” He pointed to a glass apple figurine that sat atop Bee’s desk. It was a sweet gift from one of her past patients.

“Nope.”

He began undoing his shoelace. “Arachnid?”

There was a spider on the ceiling. Bee chuckled. “No.”

“Archbishop?” He pointed to another figurine.

“No.”

He was tying his shoe back up when the thought struck him. He pointed to himself. “ _ Athlete? _ ”

“Yes!” Bee clapped a few times, caught up in the spirit of competition. “Oh, you’re too good at this game. Let’s play therapy now. I’m much better at that.”

Kevin sat upright, but he was still loose and relaxed from their warm-up. Well, Bee was calling it a warm-up. Kevin was calling it a ‘social cool-down’.

“Tell me about that,” Bee decided to ask. “You see our games as a way to relax from being social?”

Kevin shrugged. “It’s just— I feel like whenever I’m talking to the team, I’m performing. I have to be this kind of _ Kevin Day, Big Scary Exy Player _ , otherwise they won’t take me seriously when I try to coach them.”

“ _ Assist _ with coaching them.”

“Whatever. The point is, they had a pretty clear idea of who I was before they met me. If I change that, they’ll—”

He cut himself off. 

“They’ll, what?” Bee pressed, flipping over to a new page of notes.

Kevin stretched his neck out and sat back in his chair, mumbling something.

“Sweetie, I can’t hear you.” (Bee was allowed to call him that, now.)

“They’ll make fun of me,” Kevin admitted. “They’ll use any sort of weakness to make me feel like shit.”

Bee nodded, writing down  _ Insecure — why? _ on her paper. 

“It’s never nice when people take your vulnerability for granted,” Bee agreed. “Would you say that’s what frightens you?”

“Yes.”

She hummed. “Interesting. You said the same thing about living with Riko.”

When Kevin rolled his eyes, Bee half wanted to laugh and half wanted to smack him on the hand. He could be so petulant at times, and at 21 years old, it was both endearing and highly frustrating.

“Come on, Kevin,” she chuckled. “You know I’m right.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Well, no. The situation isn’t the same. Your thought patterns are.”

Kevin considered this and lay back down on the couch. Clearly spending more time with his father was loosening him up a bit. “What does that mean, then? For me?”

Bee stirred some honey into her tea. “What do you think it means?”

“I think it means I’m not a likable person unless I’m a punching bag.”

Kevin often referred to himself as a punching bag. It was like he had lucid moments where he would step outside of his body and became self aware, only to snap back into his hazy, insecure state and take hit after hit. Maybe the absence of a positive reinforcer in his life was what allowed him to believe this was his role in the world; to be hurt for the sake of making other people feel powerful.

Analysing his tattoo was another element to this. To look in a mirror everyday and be reminded of his position to Riko, and have it thrown back at him by a ruthless group of hard-knock athletes who didn’t —  _ couldn’t  _ — understand him… It made Bee’s heart sink just to imagine it.

But that was one of the things Bee had learnt over her years of seeing patients: they weren’t always reliable sources of opinions. Kevin had been victimised so many times in his young life, it was no wonder he expected it from a new family. He was a motherless child, vulnerable by all means, and had been treated so poorly by the Moriyamas and their affiliates. Perhaps he didn’t allow for any other kind of experience to bleed through those cracks. 

“I think you’ve written yourself a script,” she said, going out on a limb to get him to take a new perspective. It wasn’t sure to work, but it wouldn’t push him into the deep end. “You expect to be hurt by the people closest to you, so you try to react to something before it happens.”

Kevin threw his hands out to the sides. “But it always happens. So, I’m not wrong.” 

“Well, maybe you’re viewing it that way, but what if they’re trying to let you in. Sort of a hazing ritual.”

“I don’t want to be hazed.” He sighed. “I don’t want to have to endure shit I don’t like just to be friends with someone. That’s not what friends do. Is it?”

There was a genuine air of doubt in his voice. Bee tried another approach. “It’s not. But, what about Neil? He’s your friend.”

“Not when he’s with Andrew.”

Ah. The scorned lover situation. Kevin rarely spoke about Andrew anymore, and by extension, Neil. 

“I think you should start talking to your team,” Bee said kindly. “You’re an articulate person, Kevin. They’ll appreciate it, I’m sure.”

The timer for their session went off, and Kevin all but jumped off the couch. 

“I think you’re wrong,” he grinned. “But thanks anyway. See you next week.”

_ Petulant _ was written as the next word that described Kevin Day in Bee’s ever growing list. She circled it three times and laughed to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new zealand got covid again so maybe expect more updates if we go back into level 3 :(

**Author's Note:**

> the chapters are because i am lazy :( please give me feedback if you like it!! or if you don't!! all feedback is good and sexy feedback. 
> 
> twitter: kevindayfanclub (lol)  
> tumblr: rosebudbasilton


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